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The 5 Scariest Sex Toys

These are even freakier than that homemade Hermione Granger doll made of potatoes you keep under your bed.

5. The Curve Male Chastity Belt ($150)

There are some people who say the sexiest sensation is not being able to touch yourself at all– and by “some people”, we mean “eunuchs”. Still, there is apparently a market for men who want to be able to keep their junk literally under lock and key. Far be it from us to tell them how to get off, but was there really not a less terrifying method of restraining what are, after all, delicate parts of the anatomy? This thing looks like it was designed by Jigsaw as a punishment for, well, being into this sort of thing in the first place.

Most dubious line from the official description:
“The slim lines make it easily worn under clothing.”

Person you know who’s most likely to own this:
Your high school geography teacher.

4.  Justine Joli’s Cyberskin Foot Job Stroker ($83)

Everyone has feet, so it seems like an easy fetish to satiate. Just look down. And yet, there’s this. How was this made? Here’s a transcript:

Executive: Justine Joli! Good to see you. Pretzel?
Justine: No thanks, I just ate a foot-long. What did you want to see me about?
Executive: Well, we have a new range of sex toys coming out, and there’s been a lot of demand for a product that’s based on a…particular part of your anatomy. So, we’d like to take a mold from you.
Justine: I see. So, you’d like to take a mold of my vagina?
Executive: Uh, not exactly.
Justine: My ass?
Executive: No.
Justine: Boobs?
Executive: *makes ‘wrong answer’ buzzer sound*
Justine: It’s my mouth, then, right?
Executive: Getting colder…
Justine: Wait – what the hell do they want, then? It’s not my pancreas, is it?
Executive: They want your feet, Justine.
Justine: …
Executive: You heard me. Men want to take a replica of your feet and stick their penises in it. Repeatedly. Apparently, they want to do this a lot.
Justine: …I’ve lived too long.
Executive: I’ll take that as a yes, then?
He looks up to see an empty chair and the door closing.
Executive: That’s my girl.

Most dubious line from the official description:
“Made using Dual Density technology Justine’s feet feel ultra realistic as you worship her perfectly manicured pink toes.”

Person you know who’s most likely to own this:
Your girlfriend’s dad.

3. 18” Fisting Dish Glove  ($60)

If the idea of being fisted wasn’t already innately terrifying, how about being fisted by someone whose protective rubber glove extends well past the elbow? And how about a person who, as well as apparently getting turned on by the act of wearing you like a ventriloquist’s dummy, also has an obsession with dressing like a 1950s housewife? The only advantage: If someone found it in your house, you could explain it away as a specially designed glove for unblocking a clogged waste pipe. Which, really, isn’t that far from the truth.

Most dubious line from the official description:
“Nobody likes dish-pan hands…and the hands you get from some fisting work are even worse!”

Person you know who’s most likely to own this:
Your mailman.

2.  Male Latex Enema Pants ($120)

Unsatisfied with the enemas you’re currently receiving? The act of pissing yourself just not sexy enough anymore? Then you need to try the Male Latex Enema Pants! All the comfort of regular pants, except these allow you to urinate at will – on the bus, at your desk, hanging from the ceiling by metal hooks through your nipples, anywhere! – and then pump your waste fluids straight into your butt. You’ll soon forget what it was even like to not strap a hose to the end of your cock and piss up your own asshole!

Most dubious line from the official description:
“These latex enema pants are great for when you have to go but there is nowhere to do it.”

Person you know who’s most likely to own this:
Your local bank’s branch manager.

1. Concubine Masturbator ($103.75)

If you stare very hard at this thing, it looks a little bit like an alien fly with a wispy moustache. And that is the only, only possible way to look at it without screaming in terror at the mangled car crash horror before you. It’s an insane tribute to man’s sexual indecision: “I want boobs! And I want a vagina! Right next to each other, so I can see them both at once! And – and the tip of another dude’s penis? I guess?”  Ah well. If nothing else, it might give DC some ideas about their next redesign of Catwoman.

Most dubious line from the official description:
“They are very nice to hold and squeeze, and have cute perky nipples.”

Person you know who’s most likely to own this:
That quiet neighbor who likes digging holes in his backyard in the middle of the night.