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The Perils (and Rules) of Mixing Food and Sex

In the movies, there's little sexier than a naked woman armed with a bottle of chocolate syrup and a come-hither smile. But in reality, mixing food with sex usually ends with an argument over who has to clean up the mess, hours of chafing, and a permanent antipathy for the edible in question.

It doesn't have to be that. By following a few simple rules, you can avoid the worst of the wurst. Or strawberries, or dripped honey, or Brussels sprouts...

Rule 1: Check on your partner's food allergies. You'd be surprised how easy it is to forget this the cardinal rule of sexual experimentation ("Thou shalt not do anything that causes one of you to swell up and die.") And remember that food allergies often include even inhaling the tiniest bit of a trigger substance, so rubbing but not ingesting isn't always an acceptable substitute.

Rule 2: Don't break out the fancy sheets. Or, if you're doing it in the living room, roll away the antique Persian rug. Or, if you insist on incorporating furniture into your sex play, cover the couch (or whatever) with a plastic sheet and throw a comfortable but inexpensive blanket over that. The ideal place to have food-based sex would be the bathtub, but many people have a problem with eating next to toilets. Go figure. 

Rule 3: Make sure she's into it. For some reason, nothing wilts someone's sex drive like overcooked asparagus faster than some dude popping up suddenly at their front door with a goofy grin and a jar of chunky peanut butter.

Rule 4: Some foods are messier than others. Licking honey off each other sounds like a great idea on the way to the bedroom, but it doesn't enhance the post-coital glow if you're literally stuck to each other in sensitive places. And orange marmalade may really key in to your mutual Paddington Bear fetish, but you won't be singing a happy tune when you're digging bits of zest out of the headboard a week later. Plan as much for the clean-up as you are for the fun, if not more.

Rule 5: Some foods are sexier than others. You're not going to do much for anyone's libido with a jar of marinated mushrooms. (Unless you're a real freak, in which case, have at it!) In general, go with sweet over savory, and room temperature, cool or cold (but not frostbite cold) over, say, a steaming-hot pot roast. Leave anything that you'd normally eat with a fork and knife back in the dining room.

Rule No. 6: Have fun! I know, I know, every list of bullshit rules ends with "Have fun!" but this time I really mean it. Honest.