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This just in, courtesy of the crack team of statisticians over at AshleyMadison.com (which is essentially Match.com for married people looking to have an affair): There's a pretty good chance you're going to bang a co-worker at this year's office holiday party. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can stop pretending that you don't picture Jennifer from Accounting every time you sleep with your wife.
The findings are based on the responses of 23,000 Ashley Madison members who participated in the survey, many of whom admitted to engaging in a workplace affair. Of those who had, 72.2 % of women and 59.8 % of the men stated that the affair began at the company holiday party. So, in other words, a bunch of people who have already committed adultery (or hope to soon, god willing) can officially confirm that when you combine crippling sexual tension with a quart of egg nog and a dash of mistletoe, it's a recipe for indiscretion. This is some seriously groundbreaking shit, guys.
But what is mildly surprising is that even Ashley Madison's founder, Noel Biderman, cautions against having a workplace affair to begin with—not because, you know, you're technically married, but because YOU HAVE TO WORK WITH JENNIFER EVERY DAY, AND THERE'S A COLOSSAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN IMAGINING WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE NAKED DURING EVERY MEETING, AND REMEMBERING IT.
So, folks, at this year's holiday party, heed this advice: Once that whiskey starts flowing through your veins, and you start to get a hankering from some extra-marital sex, just stumble over to the nearest bar and pick up a stranger like a normal person.
How to Spot an Adulterer on Halloween
Show me girls.