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| Win and you get a trophy…that you have to share with the other winners. |
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
Like Stan Van Gundy's decision to spend more time with his family, this one was settled from the start. Screw looking at his rookie rankings—Chris Paul spread his name across the leader boards next to the vets in everything from assists to steals. On top of the numbers, Paul single-handedly resurrected a doomed franchise, inspired people in Oklahoma City to care about basketball, and made Byron Scott look like a competent assistant coach.
MOST IMPROVED PLAYER
Stop squawking about Boris Diaw—between Steve Nash's passing, Mike D'Antoni's system, and Mike D'Antoni's mustache, it's impossible not to thrive in Phoenix. And while New Oklahoma's David West has stepped his game up, the ROY above should share the credit for that. Meanwhile, a guy who's stuck on the third-worst team in the league is doing it on both ends all by himself. Not only are Gerald Wallace's offensive numbers up, but he's only the third player in history to average two bpg and two spg for an entire season—and the last time I checked, making history was a good thing. (Unless you're Stalin, Hitler, or the '05–'06 Knicks.)
DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR
Ben Wallace has Rasheed right next to him. Bruce Bowen has Tim Duncan behind him. Andrei Kirilenko has…a retired Greg Ostertag? Not only can he lock down his guy on the perimeter, but he comes through with a handful of weak side swats every night. Add in his regular steals and rebounds, and AK-47 fills out the stat sheet better than Eddy Curry fills out a XXXL jersey.
SIXTH MAN AWARD
So what if Mike Miller is averaging 13 ppg off the bench for Memphis—everyone averages 13 ppg in the team-oriented Grizzlies attack. I'd rather have Jerry Stackhouse coming off the pine as a game-changer who can drop 30 on any given night. This former scoring champ runner up has the explosive offensive skills to shift momentum and take the pressure off Dirk come playoff time. (Not to be confused with Central Standard Time.)
COACH OF THE YEAR
Yes, the Pistons have the best record in the league, but they also went to the Finals the past two years…without Flip. On the other hand, Avery Johnson has taken a perennial regular-season winner and shaped them into a fundamentally sound team that can play more than track meet basketball. Getting a consistently successful team to keep winning while changing its identity is harder than tricking Mark Cuban into changing out of jeans and a tucked-in T-shirt.
MOST VALUABLE PLAYER
And here we have the ultimate shouting match. Screw Kobe—he doesn't make anybody better except himself—Big Fun was hurt all season, and LeBron is still one year off his decade-long dominance of the award. Can you say DEEETROIT BASKETBALL? (Because the announcer in Auburn Hills sure can…about 53 times a game.)
Chauncey Billup's numbers are almost identical to those of adorable little media darling Steve Nash. While the Suns' floor leader is at 19 and 10, Chauncey's nipping on his mullet at 19 and nine—plus, he regularly shuts down the opposing guard, while Nash plays defense like I play the oboe. (That is to say, like a mentally challenged third-grader.) And let's not forget that Shawn Marion is better than any player in the rest of the Pistons starting five—Chauncey's floor leadership has made those three other All-Stars, he's not just playing alongside them.
If that's not enough of an impact, anyone who's watched Detroit this season knows the Pistons point absolutely dominates down the stretch of any close game. He either hits the clutch shot out of the post, makes the right pass to the open man, or stifles whoever he's guarding on the other end. Nobody else has done that consistently all season long, especially not on the defensive end, and especially not on a team with the most wins in the league.
Everybody says you could put any mediocre guard into the Pistons lineup and they'd still be a playoff team. So what? The point isn't to qualify for the playoffs—just ask K.G.—it's to be a serious contender, and that's what Chauncey guarantees. Without his fourth-quarter decision-making, the Pistons probably lose about 10 more games this year, don't make Flip Saunders look like a genius, and have to battle for the best record in the East, let alone the NBA. (And that doesn't even take into account the leadership he brings in the pressure-packed playoffs, where every play counts.) Between clutch shots and tough stops, there's no player who helps his team win more than the 2006 MVP, Chauncey Billups. Let the hate mail from Cleveland begin…
MOST VALUABLE MUSIC PRODUCER
Sacramento was finally headed for Secaucus until they brought in TruWarier Ron Artest, who immediately changed the identity of the soft-as-Oliver-Miller's-belly Kings. Now they're headed for the playoffs as a sleeper and playing with a passion not seen in Sacramento since Jackie Christie left town.
MOST VALUABLE STOMACH AILMENT
When Larry Brown's acid reflux forced him off the bench for the last week of the season, it might've just saved the NBA from it's first player-on-coach homicide—though I'm still holding out hope for next year's first eight-game losing streak.
BEST USE OF THE DRESS CODE
Darius Miles took refusing to go back into the game a step further when he changed out of his uniform and into a suit and tie for the second half of a Blazers–Clippers contest last week. I'm pretty sure this is exactly what David Stern had in mind at the beginning of the season.
MOST VALUABLE WOMEN'S UNDERGARMENT
Before this year, tights were just for ballerinas and football players. Now everybody can get into the act! Until, of course, the ban sets in next season.
LEAST VALUABLE 123 MILLION DOLLARS
I can't believe Isiah Thomas wasted all of his cash on such a terrible team when he should clearly be saving up for his court dates.