Athletes love endorsement deals. And when they're not whoring themselves out for a questionable product, they love licensing their name and image to bring in even more green. But it's a dangerous merchandising minefield to master, and when it comes to these 10 cash-grabs, the pros should've kept their head in the game.
10. Michael Jordan's cologne
Mike's cologne debuted in 1996 and, shockingly, is still on the market today. Celebrity fragrances were certainly nothing new in the mid-'90s, but with Jordan's licensing empire already encompassing shoes, Wheaties boxes, inspirational books and appearances in Michael Jackson videos, his "eau de Air" elicited more than a few chuckles. "Be like Mike"? No thanks. Leading scorer or not, who wants to smell like a 6'6" sweaty dude in Hanes?
9. Lawrence Taylor sells himself to the WWF
Okay, we admit this one's a bit of a cheat, since LT wasn't hawking a crappy toy or exercise machine with his name attached. But talk about selling yourself ... No. 56 picked up a nice payday for his "feud" and one-off match with mid-carder Bam Bam Bigelow at 1995's Wrestlemania XI. It generated a ton of press coverage, so much so that their bout became the main event, even though there was no title at stake. Taylor actually pulled off some surprising maneuvers for a non-grappler, but the entire ordeal was more damaging to his rep than all those drug arrests.
8. David Robinson's Doritos raft
How psyched was the Admiral to win an Olympic gold medal as part of the USA's first Dream Team in 1992? That medal undoubtedly lost some luster once Robinson was reduced to Chester Cheetah status by signing off on this Dorito's pool float. We know the guy served in the Navy, but he surely doesn't like water that much.
7. Rosey Grier's Needlepoint for Men
As one of the original members of the Los Angeles Rams' "Fearsome Foursome," Roosevelt Grier was given a free pass for the rest of his life to pursue any "non-macho" pastimes. But seriously, macrame and needlepoint? This from the 6'5", 300-pounder who disarmed Robert Kennedy's assassin and starred in The Man With Two Heads? We'll just take Rosey's words of wisdom from the dustjacket to heart: "Smile all you want, but if you try it once, you'll keep coming back for more, and that's the truth, brother."
6. Pro Stars cartoon
On paper, it sounded like a can't-miss concept: Animated versions of Wayne Gretzky, Bo Jackson and Michael Jordan team up to fight crime, protect children and even keep the environment safe and sound. And there would even be live-action sequences before each episode where the actual superstars hang out and talked turkey! But what viewers got was half a season of shoddy animation, crappy voice actors subbing for the pros, and pre-taped bits where they were obviously shot on different sets (if Jordan even bothered to show).
Click on the Page 2 link for a frightening shirtless dude. It's funny!
5. Lenny Dykstra's poster
Bo Jackson had a ton of success with in the poster arena (okay, maybe not with this one), so Mets/Phillies outfielder Lenny Dykstra must've thought he could hop on that money train and cash in. Only problem was, "Nails" produced one of the most homoerotic pro-sports posters of all time. (Hard to believe that poor business decisions would later cause Dykstra to live out of his car, right?) Oh, to be a fly on the locker-room wall when this thing came off the printing press...
4. Wayne Gretzsky's doll
Gaaah, why couldn't the Great One's jersey been retired before this atrocity from Mattel hit toy-store shelves in 1983? Were any boys truly clamoring for a Barbie-esque Gretzky doll? To make matters worse, most of these probably ended up with kid sisters, who used them as someone for Ken to defend Barbie from. Hell, they coulda made a Marty McSorley doll for that.
3. Godzilla vs. Barkley: the comic
The 1992 Nike commercial with Godzilla and a giant-sized Sir Charles playing a heated one-on-one game in the streets of Tokyo was cool; the one-shot comic, released months after the spot stopped airing, took 30 seconds of fun and stretched it out into 48 pages of tedious stupidity. No wonder Barkley was so adamant about not being called a role model; no one should aspire to trade barbs with a giant lizard. But the comic redeemed itself somewhat for providing us with this one amazing image:
2. Deion Sanders' album
"Prime Time," "Neon Deon," "Smug Asshole" ... the man's earned many nicknames, but "Successful Rapper" isn't one of them, thank Christ. After making waves for playing both pro baseball and football surprisingly well (he's still the only man to play in both the World Series and the Super Bowl), Sanders made a bid for music stardom in 1995. But due to his nasal flow (if you can call it that), singles "Must Be the Money" and "Prime Time Keeps on Ticking" went nowhere. Wearing his pajamas on his album cover didn't do him any favors, either.
1. Shaq Fu
"Seriously? Shaq friggin' Fu? This is how you thank us after being tolerant of your attempts at rapping?" O'Neal could've used an entire case of Icee Hot patches once the reviews for this 1994 game started pouring in. Time certainly hasn't been kind to it, either; it's widely considered the worst fighting game of all time, and there's even a website devoted to tracking down all copies of the game and destroying them. This one needed a "Fatality" before it left the brainstorming session between Shaq, his agent and a mental patient who happened to wander in.
Honorable Mention: NFL Superpro
There's not an individual athlete to blame for this atrocity, but rather the House of Ideas. Comics were a hot commodity in 1991, and the NFL wanted to cash in and create their own original superhero property. Marvel Comics partnered up with the League, and delivered a guy in football armor who battled bad guys like "Instant Replay." The book's long-suffering writer, Fabian Nicieza, has admitted that he only accepted the gig in order to score free Super Bowl tix. We hope they were worth a lifetime of jeers from the sidelines.