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100 Things That Happened During the Olympics

Besides commercials.

The Summer Games are over and as Twitter lets out a sigh of relief and everyone goes back to forgetting the names of those gymnasts (Hilary? Sarah Joan?) let’s take a moment to think back on all that we witnessed.

1. Suddenly everyone cared about swimming, a sport that literally takes place year-round, every year.

2. Olympic parents all look the same, and look as though they still collect Beanie Babies.

3.  Buttcheeks.

Photo by Daniel Garcia/AFP/GettyImages

So many buttcheeks.

4.  Tweets about the Opening Ceremony...which we didn’t actually watch. Judging by the Tweets, the ceremonies were very unusual, featured Mary Poppins, and our cousin Pete thinks the Phillies suck. Though that last one may have been a non-Olympic Tweet that somehow made it into our feed.

5. Ryan Lochte's name and people who get pissy when we pronounce it as “Low-chee”.

6. Ryan Lochte's face and how we all tried to imitate it during an editorial meeting.
(Taste something sour while learning that Santa Claus is fake, and you will make the Lochte-Face.)

Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images


7. Michael Phelps letting us all down and we’ll never forgive him. He should have won all the gold medals and swam so fast that he also won the Platinum Medal, Dwarven Mithril Medal, and the medal made of unicorn bones. Go back to Russia, Phelps! We don’t want you anymore!

8. Missy Franklin being the new Michael Phelps...until she lets us down at the 2020 games.

Photo by Paul Gilham/Getty Images


9. Stupid Olympic non-news stories, with headlines like “Why Doesn’t the Sand Stick To Volleyball Players” and after reading the 1,000 word article, finding the answer is simply: Special sand.

10. Usain Bolt making it look easy.

11. Gymnast Kyla Ross.

She didn’t get as much attention as the other girls, and she deserves her own meme like her teammate McKayla Maroney. So we came up with Rhinoce-Ross and we're going to take over the internet with photos of her as a rhino.  


12. Badminton jokes which are quickly refuted by jerks who yell, “But it’s seriously difficult. Have you even watched it?” Yes. We watched it. Just because it’s difficult, doesn’t mean it’s still not badminton.

13. Bob Costas looking haggard. You OK, Bob?

14. People complaining about NBC.

15. The awesome, crash-tastic BMX races! Ancient Greeks and Olympic purists be damned; this sport is fantastic! If people crashed during synchronized diving, maybe more folks would watch.

16. Immediately being able to tell when a synchronized diver messes up. And then telling the TV screen your thoughts.

17. Awful post-event interviews. An athlete just used all their energy to do something no one else on the planet could do, and you shove a microphone in their face and ask, “How does it feel?” Let them catch their breath! And that’s really your best question? How about, “Are you OK?”, “Would you like a drink of water?” or, “Why doesn’t sand stick to volleyball players?”

18. Handball, and the fact that it’s not what you think it is. (And it’s not porny, either.)

19. Men’s field hockey and trying not to giggle. Get on the ice like real men!

20. The underwater camera and how we wish we could watch a live feed of only that camera during women’s water polo.

21. When little kids cry because they’re only the second best athlete in the world.

22. The convoluted scoring of certain events. There are both numbers and colors for gymnastics, with scores so overly complicated it’s like trying to understand a toddler’s explanation of a trip to the zoo.

23. People who pretend not to follow the Olympics. “Oh, I didn’t watch that swimming contest. Too busy reading. Did that Michael Lochte do well?”

24. Athletes biting their medals.

Photo by Luis Acosta/AFP/GettyImages


25. The 2012 Dream Team’s victory over Spain! We totally dominate all basketball because we’re the best and the strongest! USA USA! No one can beat us! No one!!!

26. The scary moment in the third quarter when Spain was winning.

27. Gabby Douglas, and how her routine was more impressive than anything in the forgettable Amazing Spider-Man movie.

28. Misty May-Treanor’s last gold medal, and how we have secretly hated her for the past 12 years. And we don’t even know why. Grr. Just makes us angry.

30. Misty May’s beach volleyball partner, whose name is not as memorable. Something Jennings, right? Carol Jennings? Eh...whatever. Way to go, Carol!

31. South African Oscar Pistorius who ran in Olympics with prosthetic legs. He’s an inspiration, but also an asshole for making the rest of us feel lazy. And no, we’re not still crying after watching him race. Our eyes are just allergic to heart warmth.

32. Allyson Felix, and how she’s going to marry us as soon as she reads the funny card we sent with the flowers. The card said, “MARRY US! YOU ARE PRETTY! AND YOU RUN! MARRY?!”

33. The genius who made this.

34. Race walking!

Photo by Harry How/Getty Images

So sexy. So very, very sexy. It is pure sex.

35. Sprint cycling, and how it’s really, really slow to the point of almost being a comedy. (For those who missed it, watch this.)

 

36. No juggling.

37. Learning that Olympians spend their lives waking up early in the morning to train. Thanks! Maybe you could also tell us if rain is wet and what happens when fire touches paper.

38. A bunch of nerds sent a robot 35 million miles away, landed the robot on a different world and didn’t receive a single medal. Stupid nerds.

39. Grown men crying.

40. The weird, painful way that swimmers stretch and loosen their joints before a race.

41. Speculating on the future of Lolo Jones. Will she be a Reality TV star? Will she continue her track and field career to prove that she can overcome anything? Will she...never mind. It’s the first one.

42. Trying to understand the rules of fencing.

43. The comfortable slacks worn by the archery teams.
That’s the sport for us! So comfy!

45. Athletes listening to music before an event and trying to figure out what they’re listening to. We always assume it’s “Lady in Red” by Chris DeBurgh. That’s our jam.

46. Olympic boxing and how it makes us appreciate the more action-packed UFC.

47. Olympic wrestling, for the same reason as stated above.

48. The official judges. Hey judgey pricks, if you think you can do better, go ahead! Assholes.

49. That new event in which athletes must make and sell crystal meth in a high stakes, brilliantly written story. Or maybe we just watched Breaking Bad during the slow nights of the Olympics. (Sorry to all the wonderful male gymnasts and high jump people whom we did not watch.)  

50. The women’s US soccer team! Congrats! We’re sorry for ever calling your sport Worse Basketball.

51. Serena Williams’ dance moves after winning the gold.

52. Unflattering racing suits worn by female swimmers. You spend your life getting into peak physical condition, only to wear a suit that makes it look like you have chubby shoulder blades and no breasts.

53. Ryan Seacrest explaining to all of our parents what’s happening on Facebook and Twitter.

54. Those other Olympic runners who are not Usain Bolt.

Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

Sorry guys. Until Bolt retires or decides to become a superhero, the rest of the racers might as well try out for the men’s field hockey team.

55. The Chinese losing.

56. The Russians losing.

57. The US being all like, “Oh? Olympics? Yeah, we won that. Also, we’re on Mars. Also, we made The Avengers. So...how’d you spend your summer vacay?”

58. People who speculate on what we’ll see in 2016.

59. People trying to fill time between important events, to the point that they talk about the 2016 Olympics.

60. The internet spoiling the event outcomes...and yet we still tuned in to watch at night on tape delay.

61. All the dumb and funny faces.

Photo by Michael Steele/Getty Images

62. The grey tracksuit the Olympians wore and how it doesn’t quite look as cool when we wear it to play Xbox while eating donuts.

63. France still trying. Poor little guy. Maybe next time, huh?

64. Hurdles and how we think they should be added to every event.

65. Rhythmic gymnastics!
Besides being a silly yet entertaining event, it would also be a killer name for a rapper.

66. People who still talked about the opening ceremony two weeks after it took place.

67. The various types of body tape the athletes use and how we all wondered, “What the hell does that body tape on the diver’s back do?” And then being too lazy to look it up.
 

68. Wondering how Batman would do in the Olympics.


69. The bronze medal and how it’s the best one to win!

Photo by Yuri Cortez/AFP/GettyImages

Winning the bronze means everyone will think you’re awesome, but they’ll also feel sorry for you. And if you lose it, it’s not big deal because the bronze medal is only worth about $5.

70. Nervously waiting to see the final scores...and then waiting for someone to explain them to us.

71. All the new, horrible-looking NBC shows that were advertised. What did we do to piss you off, NBC?

72. No vuvuzelas, thus making our “Vuvuzela 4-Ever” tattoo somewhat irrelevant.

73. Brazil. Just seems like an awesome place.

74. Judo. Batman would do well in a Judo competition.

75. The time we added the Tron soundtrack to the discus competition and it did not sync up at all.

76. The sadness brought on by the closing ceremonies. Sad not because the Olympics were over, but because people were actually watching this 7-hour festival of mediocrity.

77. Shots of Prince Harry during the closing ceremonies in which you could tell he was forced to be there as punishment for some wild night he had earlier that week.

78. Being able to make “Olympic Fever” jokes. Such as, “Sadly, my Olympic Fever reacted negatively to treatment and the doctor says it’s just a matter of time.”

79. Cape flags! Those flags with the thumb holes in the corner so you can wear them like a cape! We want 200 of them.

80. Olympic commentators who are probably just making shit up.

81. Everyone asking Michael Phelps how it feels to be the most decorated Olympian in history and how we really wished his answer was, “Itchy.”

82. Seriously, juggling could be an Olympic event.

83. When the divers throw their little towels off the platform before a dive, and how we wonder if it ever hits anyone in the face.

84. Horse events and how we did not watch them.

85. Cranky silver medalists.


86. No one willing to talk on camera about all the orgies that surely must occur in the Olympic village. We know it’s happening!

87. Pole vaulting and the odd fact that athletes do NOT pole vault over lava or sharks or ANYTHING! It’s like they don’t even care.

88. Tennis! You might remember tennis from the 17 huge, important tournaments held every year, but in case you needed another reason to get excited about tennis...here it is. Olympic tennis: It’s just like tennis but with less hubbub.

89. Weight lifting accidents.

90. Being very tired and then asking our roommate, “If weight lifting is a sport, why not height lifting?”


91. Feeling exhausted after watching water polo.

92. Looking at the impressive stadium, and all the idiots taking photos from the stands.
Hey idiots, you will not get a better photo than the one you see on TV and online. You’re wasting our precious technology! And no one will ever want to watch the footage or photos you captured. No one. Not your children. Not your friends. No one. Because we all saw it happen from a better vantage point. Idiots!

93. Béla Károlyi and stories about the 1996 Women’s Gymnastic team, that do not relate at all to the current team.

94. Athletes who kiss their fingers. Is that a little prayer for God? If you really loved God, shouldn’t you do something more than peck an index finger? It’s like saying, “What’s up, kid. Keep your nose clean!”

95. Ryan Lochte’s grill.

96. Sending apologies to all the nations in the world for Ryan’s grill.

97. Figuring out time zones and kilometers.

98. Having nothing to Tweet about now that it’s over.

99. Writing first drafts of Tweets for the 2014 Winter Olympics. (Shaun White? More like Shaun Night!)

100. Welcoming the athletes back home...and then screaming, “Did you see The Dark Knight Rises? OMG!” And then spoiling it for them. Because screw them.