I'm sure a lot of you hit the sports bars pretty hard yesterday, and today you feel the way Joan Rivers looks. I am currently feeling (and looking) your pain. Last night's blood alcohol level is making your head feel the size of Jupiter (or possibly Uranus) and yesterday's Fatkins Diet of double cheese nachos, chili fries, and the salt shaker you snorted just because your friends dared you to has you looking like the Michelin Man. But you made it. The health repercussions from the beating you gave your body won't truly be felt until at least Week 10 (you may want to reserve a hospital bed now), so do your best to help your fellow brothers in harms today as you gather around the water cooler and talk about why the Rams lost to the 49ers.

Hindsight Is 50–50
I would like to formally extend my apologies to all you bastards stupid enough to blow any amount of money in suicide pools. With Denver, St. Louis, Minnesota, Carolina and San Diego all getting beaten like Carrot-topped stepchildren, it's clear that the current state of the NFL, with her pick-killing parity, makes the odds of correctly picking any football matchup worse than winning Powerball. Seriously, both the 'Niners and the Dolphins won? When the hell is that ever going to happen again? (Answer: Week Two.)

Here's a few reasons why some of my picks weren't exactly "correct":

49ers over Rams
What I Forgot: When it comes to using the talent you're given, Mike Martz is like Helen Keller if Helen Keller just sat around and bitched about life.
What I'll Remember: The Rams will always lose the games they're supposed to win and win the games they're supposed to lose. And lose the games they're supposed to play.

Dolphins over Denver:
What I Forgot: Jake Plummer plays quarterback for the Broncos.
What I'll Remember: Jake Plummer plays quarterback for the Broncos.

New Orleans over Carolina
What I Forgot: Never underestimate the power of inspiration in the face of adversity.
What I'll Remember: To help celebrate this big Saints victory, I'll head down to New Orleans when it's back up and running and blow my 401k on a few kegs of Turbo Dog in the French Quarter.

Detroit over Green Bay
What I Forgot: Brett Favre always has trouble playing in domes.
What I'll Remember: Brett Favre is six thousand years old.

Tampa Bay over Minnesota
What I Forgot: Minnesota is supposed to win, at minimum, the first five games of their season and then start blowing games like this at the end of the year when they need a win to make the playoffs.
What I'll Remember: This must be the year that the Vikings blow their first five games and win the rest in a triumphant run to the playoffs.

Indy over Baltimore
What I Forgot: To pick the Colts to win it all.
What I'll Remember: Not to make picks for the first week next year.