Not even Pac-10 partisans can complain about East Coast media bias when their football games run too late for the Japanese to watch in their entirety. So you could be excused for missing USC's four-hour television event with Fresno State, a 50–42 fuckfest that ended at approximately 2:15 AM Eastern time…which, thankfully, still left Throwhunk time to do a last-call sweep of West Hollywood supermodel hangouts!

Oregon's uniforms: Only the third queerest   thing in this photo.

TOP FIVE SIGNS SPOTTED IN THE BACKGROUND DURING ESPN'S COLLEGE GAMEDAY BROADCAST FROM EAST LANSING, MI

"MANUTE BOL IS MY FATHER"

"I HATE MICHIGAN"

"BASKETBALL STARTS TODAY"

"HEY JOEPA, BIG TEN TITTLE [SIC]—DON'T [DEPEND UNDERGARMENTS LOGO] ON IT"

"AT LEAST WE'RE NOT FLINT"


ASSAULT RIVALS
It was rivalry weekend, and in college football, you know what that means: two, maybe three more rivalry games than any other weekend. Extracurricular activity is always an unfortunate likelihood in any rivalry game, but since extracurricular activity supposes some kind of curricular activity, Saturday's contestants get off on a technicality!

Rank Amateurs

Our totally unsupported ranking of college football's primary rivalries. 1. Army/Navy 2. Alabama/Auburn 3. Ohio State/Michigan 4. Florida State/Miami 5. Oklahoma/Texas 6. Southern Cal/Notre Dame 7. Florida State/Florida 8. Georgia/Florida 9. Notre Dame/Michigan 10. Oklahoma/Nebraska

Rivalry: Washington State/Washington
At stake: Ninth place in the Pac-10, first place in the hearts of shiftless area Starbucks baristas
Extra-testicular activity: Melee at midfield after Wazzu players began celebrating on U-Dub's "W" logo. These teams fight like they're 1–7 in the Pac-10 too.

Rivalry: Virginia Tech/Virginia
At stake: ACC championship game berth for Tech, possible extradition to Winston-Salem for UVA
Extra-testicular activity: Before the game, someone sneaked into the stadium and painted a giant "T" next to Virginia's "V" logo at midfield. Frank Beamer suggested it was an inside job designed to motivate Cavs players. I suggest they try painting a hairy butthole there if that's their intent.

Rivalry: Clemson/South Carolina
At stake: Bragging rights in craphole state, interracial marriage
Extra-testicular activity: In a show of sportsmanship, players from each team met at midfield to shake hands before the game, then proceeded to grab ass during it.

JoBu's Weekly Top 26

Team Record Last 1. Texas 10–0 1 2. Southern Cal 11–0 2 3. Penn State 10–1 4 4. LSU 9–1 5 5. Notre Dame 8–2 7 6. Ohio State 9–2 8 7. Oregon 10–1 9 8. Virginia Tech 9–1 10 9. UCLA 9–1 11 10. Auburn 9–2 12 11. Georgia 8–2 13 12. Alabama 9–2 6 13. Miami 8–2 3 14. Fresno State 8–2 19 15. West Virginia 8–1 14 16. Texas Tech 9–2 17 17. TCU 10–1 18 18. Michigan 7–4 18 19. Georgia Tech 7–3 NR 20. Boston College 8–3 25 21. Clemson 7–4 NR 22. South Carolina 7–4 20 23. Florida 7–3 21 24. Florida State 7–3 22 25. Wisconsin 8–3 23 26. Iowa State 7–3 24   Dropouts: Minnesota (16), Colorado (26)

LEAVENED B.M.
Speaking of arch nemeses, when it comes to meaningless, overflowing superlatives, no one rivals ABC boothsayer Brent Musburger. After Santonio Holmes' recovery of a fumbled Ted Ginn punt return in the third quarter of the Ohio State–Michigan game, B.M. effused that it may have been, "the biggest play of the ball game for Ohio State." Then, when Tony Gonzalez snared a 27-yard pass on 1st and 10 from Michigan's 31-yard line with less than 40 seconds remaining and the Buckeyes down by two, he made what may have been, "the biggest catch of the season for Ohio State." At this pace, the 2005 Buckeyes can erase the feats of the 2002 national championship team with an intentional safety in the Fiesta Bowl. Credit's due Musbuger, though: the man's nearly 70 years old—I haven't been able to produce that much ejaculate in three hours since I was 14.


PANTY RAIDERS
Texas Tech simply can't play teams straight up and it costs them. Just not on Saturday. With six seconds left in the game, down 21–17 from the Oklahoma 10-yard line, Tech QB Cody Hodges fired into the end zone for Robert Johnson, who was held on the play because, with six seconds left against Texas Tech, it's worth the penalty. But the Raiders uncharacteristically ran Taurean Henderson on their last play, crossing the goal line with :00 remaining. Tortilla Tech fans, ignorant of local child obscenity laws and the fact that Oklahoma is 6–4, stormed the field, prompting stadium officials to pre-emptively yank down both goal posts before Tech could attempt the PAT. After 10 minutes during which the grounds crew labored furiously to re-bolt one goal post, Tech retook the field, lined up for the kick…and took a knee.


BULBOUS POST OF THE WEEK!
RE: Wasting Away Again in Tuberville
How does it feel, being so wrong so much?
–Tom

Are you fucking nuts? Do you also keep score of how often I'm right, you tit-fed ignoramus? Because the only people ever interested in commenting on my success rate are tunnel-sighted Alaboriginals like you who sit with one hand on the keyboard and the other stroking your replica stormtrooper blaster rifle just waiting for someone in the "meedeeyuh" to pay for daring to question the supremacy of your venerable university.

Was I wrong when I placed Penn State, Alabama, and UCLA in my preseason top 26? Because no one else was willing to do it. Was I wrong when I placed Auburn in the top 15 of my preseason top 26? How much are you willing to bet that they finish significantly higher than that? Before you answer, remember: your pork rind fund is at stake.

You show me another college football writer who's right more often that I am, and I'll show you your mother's-eye view of my balls, you self-righteous piss sack.