His hair? Filthy. His anus? Sparkling.
It's hard not to want to crap on the NBA's most outspoken owner, but now at least it'll be easier to clean up afterwards. The Dairy King has invested his money into Brondell, Inc., the developer of a new toilet seat named the Swash. Capable of all the traditional bidet (pronounced, bih-day) duties (pronounced, doodies), the Swash customized seat is intended for use in residential toilets. But if Cubes is the visionary entrepreneur he claims to be, he'll see a far larger opportunity for the Swash. Here are some of my suggestions. (But I demand 50 percent—and a haircut for Mark—if any of them take off.)

  • Handicap arena water fountains
  • Shaquille O'Neal sweat emulator
  • All-in-one luxury box seating
  • Festive holiday punch bowl
  • Bonzi Wells fan spritzer
  • Kobe Bryant date lubricator
  • Car rim power wash
  • Sam Cassell forehead lotion dispenser
  • All-Star Game halftime show hydrotechnics
  • Championship celebration champagne sprayer
  • Earl Boykins whirlpool bath
  • Ass cleaner

    I can see it now on the Home Shopping Network: "Next up is Paul 'Swish' Ulane and Mark 'Swash' Cuban, here with the…uh…oh boy…"