Bill Belichick: One crazy-assed motherfucker.

In Colt Blood
Peyton Manning was hit more often than Ike Turner's girlfriend this Sunday and the Colts should be very nervous. Sure, they've only lost one game, but the way they lost it, coupled with the way their archrival Patriots won on Saturday will plant a seed of doubt throughout Indiana's Super Bowl party plans. (It's planted right between the corn and inbreeding.)

Sure, the Colts had nothing to play for and the Chargers were fighting for the postseason, but it wasn't the fact they lost, it was the fact they were exposed. All season teams had been dropping linebackers, linemen and beer vendors into the secondary, forcing Peyton to hand the ball to Edge. But the Chargers got up in Manning's grill (I'm so gangsta!) and blitzed on almost every play. On Saturday, the Pats showed they can pressure the quarterback as they drilled Chris Simms into the ground on every play. Anyone noticing a pattern here? And no, I'm not talking about the ones on my sweater vest.

Peyton had less protection on Sunday afternoon than Ron Mexico brings out to the clubs on Saturday night. When the Pats meet the Colts in the playoffs (and you know they're going to meet in the playoffs) Bill Belichick is going to take a few pages out of the Chargers book and move his whole team into Peyton's place. And if I recall, Manning has a tendency to choke harder than Mama Cass in the postseason. Put those two together and you get another Colts loss to the Pats in the playoffs. You heard it here first, people.

Getting Listed
Normally, I spend Saturdays cleaning my apartment and masturbating, but last Saturday was different. I didn't clean my apartment because there was a full day of NFL to enjoy! And enjoy it I did, but since there was only one game on at a time, I was forced to sit through those gasbagged halftime shows. And aside from listening to Terry Bradshaw fake an orgasm, I also had to listen to Daryl Johnston's All-Lunch Pail Crew. Do we really need another list of So And So's Favorite Whosiwhatsis? Between the All-Madden Team, Phil Simms' All-Iron Team and Howie Long's Tough Guys, I think we're covered in the Haggard Veterans Telling Us The Same Thing Every Year department. News flash: Brett Favre plays the game like they did in the old days! So, I did some research and found a few other, lesser-known lists. And I was kind enough to put them together here.

T.J. Houshmandzadeh's PonyTail Posse

Jake Plummer's Beards-A-Plenty Party

Tedy Bruschi's Stroke of Luck Staff

Lofa Tatupu's Foreign Sounding Fellas

T.O.'s Buttholes Who Are Also Assholes

Bill Parcell's Fat Fupa Faction

Brad Johnson's Band of Boring Ass Bastards

The All-Orton Team

Donovan McNabb's List of People Who Should Leave Him The Screw Alone (14-part series)

Mike Vick's Sexually Transmitted Troupe

(NAA)CPR
If Donovan McNabb decided to pull a day-trader and started spraying bullets at the streets of Philadelphia, I don't think anyone would blame him. During his professional career he's taken more crap than a German porn star. He was booed on draft day after getting selected in the first round, he was called overrated by conservative drug addict Rush Limbaugh after putting up MVP-esque numbers, he was publicly insulted by T.O. after going to a Super Bowl, and now he's been called an Uncle Tom by Whyatt Mondesire, the president of the Philadelphia chapter of the NAACP for becoming a passing quarterback. And throughout all these insults he's been quiet, and it's always the quiet ones that end up showing up to work with a vest full of grenades and a bazooka on their shoulder.

Normally, I would be offended and outraged by the NAACP's attack. But the key detail of this story is that it's the Philly chapter that's throwing McNabb under the bus. I'm pretty sure Mr. Mondesire is an Eagles fan and a Philly native. So, already, you know "etiquette" and "manners" aren't really in his vocabulary. But aside from that he's just a frustrated football fan. His team was supposed to finally win it all, but instead they've lost more than New Orleans' ninth ward. And, like any football fan who feels betrayed by his team, he lashed out. It's an understandable response. Just look at how Raiders fans have coped with losing. On second thought, don't look.

Sea-ing is Believing
Can we go ahead and skip the NFC playoffs and put the Seahawks in the Super Bowl? The list of their competitors reads like a death row roll call full of World League teams who don't have the offensive firepower or defense prowess to hang with the conference's best all-around team.

NY Giants
Why they're worthless: Eli Manning plays more like Eli Whitney than Peyton Manning.
2005 playoff record: One and done

Carolina Panthers
Why they're worthless: They've lost to the Bucs and Bears, who are also worthless. Which makes them worthless by association.
2005 playoff record: One and done.

Chicago Bears
Why they're worthless: People are excited when Rex Grossman and his 54% career completion percentage comes in to play quarterback. That says a lot.
2005 playoff record: One and done.

Tampa Bay
Why they're worthless: They will have to go to either frigid New York or Chicago to win a game. The fact they're Floridian pussies who can't take a Nor'Easter means this team is already finished.
2005 playoff record: None and done.

Atlanta Falcons
Why they're worthless: For some reason, their best wide receiver keeps playing quarterback.
2005 playoff record: None and done.

Dallas Cowboys
Why they're worthless: They probably won't make the playoffs, but if they do, they'll still have Drew Bledsoe as their quarterback.
2005 playoff record: Already done.

Washington Redskins
Why they're worthless: If there was an underachiever's bowl they would be the odds on favorite.
2005 playoff record: None and done.

Minnesota Vikings
Why they're worthless: On second thought, the Super Bowl is being played in a city on a great lake. A lake on which you could most likely rent a boat, and possibly use to host a party. Possibly with some booze and hookers? And if there's one thing that can inspire the Vikings to play dominating football, it's the lure of boat hookers.
2005 playoff record: Super Bowl, bitches! (Before you write in with your whining disagreements, that was a joke. They aren't even making the playoffs.)