Brought to you by the entire Fortune 500!

Season Record: 102–63

Bowl Record: 17–11


ROSE BOWL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME   |   USC (12–0) vs. TEXAS (12–0)   |   JAN. 4
Valued sponsor: Citi, the financial services company that entreats you to "live richly." Whether you're a Fortune 500 CEO or a Saudi prince, you can't argue with this bold new approach to banking.

And now, a word from our game: OK, time out. ESPN has spent the last month debating in pointless detail whether the Trojans are the greatest team in the 137-year history of the game. And why not? The average college football fan's frame of reference doesn't extend further than his last bratwurst fart. But Southern Cal hasn't even played the final game that would presumably secure its standing among college football's all-time teams, making USC from 2003-2005 no better than Nebraska from 1993-1995, which played in three consecutive national title games, won two and notched another two years later. Is the Desperate Housewives staff driving ESPN's college football coverage? It's enough to make you root for Texas just to make the network's execs look like supreme douchebags. Whoops! Looks like ESPN Hollywood beat them to it!

All right, game on.

As much pub as Southern Cal has drawn in the run-up to the game, market indicators actually point toward a Texas victory. Most of the analyses between USC and college football's historical greats mentioned above have ended with 2001 Miami. A fitting corollary, since that same team improbably lost the National Championship Game to Ohio State the following year despite few personnel losses. The Bucks were simply due, as Miami the year before, Oklahoma the year before that, and Tennessee two years before that. The Longhorns have surely and steadily improved over the last eight years under Mack Brown, investing heavily in talent, staff, and doody scoopers for an increasingly dumpulent Bevo. Their defense is the best SC will have faced in at least a year and the same may be said of their offense.

UT has "team of destiny" smeared all over it: 35 years since its last national title, its first win over Oklahoma since Napster, and the final puzzle piece Mack W. Bush had lacked for years, Vince Young. Which is why I'm picking USC. They've been jerking college football around all year like a Catholic school freshman and are finally ready to sit on our face. Bank on it!

Prediction: Trojans 34, Texans 29 (And overdraft protection for all. Except poor people. Yuck!)     WRONG!

---

COTTON BOWL   |   TEXAS TECH (9–2) vs. ALABAMA (9–2)   |   JAN. 2

Valued sponsor: AT&T, provider of local and long distance telephony, Internet access, wireless phone, and television for your home or business!
And now, a word from our game: Unlike the joyous recent merger between AT&T and SBC, neither of these two teams has been able to successfully merge both sides of the football: Tech is the high-speed offensive wireless network, Bama is the stalwart defensive security firewall. The Red Raiders lead the nation in pass offense, but run the ball with all the hustle of a 2,400-baud modem [TELECOM ZING!] and often crash trying to put away opponents because of it. Of course, the Crimson Tide move the ball downfield as easily as you might move one through your urethra, but are still the more complete team.
Prediction: Bama 24, Tech 23. (And a robust second-quarter earnings report!)     RIGHT!

OUTBACK BOWL   |   IOWA (7–4) vs. FLORIDA (8–3)   |   JAN. 2

Valued sponsor: Outback, America's premier steakhouse chain, offering high-quality food, generous portions, and a casual atmosphere suggestive of the Australian Outback. It's like eating a rib-eye with Mel Gibson!
And now, a word from our game: The Gators quietly rank 10th nationally in take-aways, a stat exceeded in impressiveness only by Outback's convenient curbside take-away service. But the Hawkeyes don't typically cough up more than a little pre-game banquet beef tips, and the two are similar foils for one another in nearly every other category, making this the toughest of the January bowls to call. The best unit on the field is UF's defense, which should be the difference.
Prediction: Gates 28, Hawks 27. (And an expanded chicken menu!)     RIGHT!

GATOR BOWL   |   LOUISVILLE (9–2) vs. VIRGINIA TECH (10–2)   |   JAN. 2
Valued sponsor: Toyota Motor Corporation, producer of cars and light trucks expected to surpass General Motors in 2006 as the world's number one automobile manufacturer. Go on, truck yourself!
And now, a word from our game: Despite a regular season as good as last year's, Tech revived the "Chokies" tag, dumping its only truly big games, against Florida State and Miami. Fortunately, there's plenty of disappointment to go round, with the Cardinals dropping a ball-scratcher against South Florida and an overtime decision against West Virginia. They're without QB Brian Brohm, so I'm not really sure why I'm even still typing.
Prediction: Hokes 30, Cards 20 (And record Camry sales!)     RIGHT!

CAPITAL ONE BOWL   |   WISCONSIN (9–3) vs. AUBURN (9–2)   |   JAN. 2
Valued sponsor: Capital One Services, Inc., global diversified financial services provider offering credit cards, loans, and insurance who thoughtfully asks, "What's in your wallet?"
And now, a word from our game: The Tigers' offense is the SEC's most complete, but the Badgers may have the most efficient O in the nation, ranking 13th scoring despite placing 54th in total yardage. Much the same way Capital One's No-Hassle rewards program makes for a nice credit card experience, the Cap One, along with this year's Outback Bowl matchup, makes for a nice reprise of the 2003 bowl season. That year, Auburn whomped Wisco 28–14 and could easily do the same this year. Except they won't.
Prediction: AUB 21, WIS 17 (And an APR of 16.4 percent!)     WRONG!

FIESTA BOWL   |   NOTRE DAME (9–2) vs. OHIO STATE (9–2)   |   JAN. 2
Valued sponsor: Tostitos, maker of wholesome corn tortilla chips, salsas, and dips. A subsidiary of Frito Lay!
And now, a word from our game: The last OSU to play the Irish in the Fiesta Bowl, Oregon State, pasted them 40–9. But that was three coaches and one Pope ago; this year the Domers are scoring their most points per game since 1912, when they beat Saint Viator (yep, that Saint Viator), 116–7. Conversely, they're as adept defending the end zone as Abner Louima, an area in which the Buckeyes rank among the nation's top four. (Defense, that is, not plunger rape.) Charlie Weis hasn't seen D this good since last year's Super Bowl.
Prediction: Bucks 24, Micks 22 (And trans fat grams 0. That's a healthy shutout!)     RIGHT!

SUGAR BOWL   |   WEST VIRGINIA (10–1) vs. GEORGIA (10–2)   |   JAN. 2
Valued sponsor: Nokia, a world leader in mobile communications providing equipment, solutions, and services for consumers, network operators, and corporations. They're Fin-tastic!
And now, a word from our game: The first-ever meeting between these two teams, this matchup has all the personality of a Finnish cell phone company. But the Mountaineers pass the football about as often as the average West Virginian passes on dessert, giving hope for a BCS game that clocks in under four hours in length. Both boast top-10 scoring defenses and the Bulldogs are deceptively average offensively, but Georgia's been here before and West Virginny under Rich Rodriguez is as perennially bowl savvy as adolescent pool drain eviscerees.
Prediction: 'Dawgs 20, 'Neers 13 (And the halftime introduction of new spokescharacter the Bluetooth Fairy!)     WRONG!

ORANGE BOWL   |   PENN STATE (10–1) vs. FLORIDA STATE (8–4)   |   JAN. 3
Valued sponsor: FedEx, providing "access to a growing global marketplace through a network of supply chain, transportation, business and related information services." For when your business absolutely, positively has to be vaguely defined, it's FedEx!
And now, a word from our game: I can think of no more suitable setting for college football's septuagenarian statesmen than Fort Lauderdale Retirement Stadium. And thank the good Lord for this Bowden-Paterno subplot, else this matchup would be as otherwise compelling as two 70-year-old dudes. Fans of defense should be rewarded, but Penn State's is better and the Seminoles don't have a Michael Robinson, nor would they know what to do with him if they did.
Prediction: Nits 21, Noles 10 (And increased investor earnings owing to declining oil costs!)     RIGHT!