Divisional Playoffs: Saturday

Washington at Seattle

Washington's Key to Victory: Pretend It's Opposite Sunday
OK, Joe Gibbs is old and experienced and that means we're all supposed to respect his three Super Bowl rings and blah blah blah. But the Redskins didn't win their game last week. They just didn't lose. I have as much confidence in the Redskins as I have in Joe Gibbs' prostate staying under cantaloupe size. They can't run the ball, they can't pass the ball, and due to their advanced age, they can't pass more than a tablespoon of urine in a single potty break. If they want to win this Sunday, they're going to have to play exactly the opposite of how they played last Sunday. It's not going to happen.

Seattle's Key to Victory: Get A Sack
And I'm not talking about tackling a quarterback behind the line of scrimmage. I'm talking about one of those wrinkly marble holders that Seattle's been keeping in their purse the last few playoffs. Every year we're told that the Seahawks are "for real" and this is the season they are going to "win it all." And every year they "grow labias" and lose in the first round or miss the playoffs altogether. Well, if they lay down this Saturday and get beaten at home by a team that can't throw for more than 26 yards, I will "laugh."

Game Ball Goes To: Shaun Alexander
Yep, Seattle's going to run the ball a lot. Behind ol' Walter Jones and Mack Strong. Yep, gonna pile up the yards on the ground. Can I move on now? Describing Seattle's gameplan is as boring as living in the town of Seattle. To prove it, here's a conversation happening somewhere in Seattle at all times.

"Wanna put on our flannels and go hang out at Starbucks?"
"Sure, then afterwards we can use Microsoft to download stuff."
"Cool. Check it out, it's raining."
"Neat."

Game's Balls Go To: Mark Brunell
Last week I said Mark Brunell would have a bad game. I was right, but the old fucker somehow managed to play again this week. So here we go again: Mark Brunell's going to have a bad game. He couldn't win the big game when he was a decent quarterback back in the Mesozoic Era, so he's not going to win a big one here in the Belichickic Era.

Final Score: Seattle 27 Redskins 17

New England at Denver

Patriots' Key to Victory: Watch Remember the Titans
It's going to take a movie like Titans to get the Pats inspired. What do they have to prove? That they can win without good coordinators? That they can win with a dude who had a stroke? Jesus, what's next? An offensive line of midget amputees? (I'm really pulling for the midget amputee offensive line.)

Broncos' Key to Victory: Get the Runs
Yes, Jake Plummer Butt had a great season. He threw a few touchdowns and even fewer interceptions (which is pretty good for him), but I don't think the fans of the Mile High Club are ready to put the season in his hands. To make sure they don't have to, the two-headed and one big-assed monster of Mike Anderson, Tatum Bell and Ron Dayne should open up the secondary and take some pressure off Jake. Or someone could tell Ron Dayne to stop sitting on him. That would take a ton of pressure off Jake. Literally. LOL!

Game Ball Goes To: Those Crazy Chowdaheads
I don't know how, but the Pats are going to find a way to win this one. And then just for good measure, they'll hold Jake down on the 50-yard line and shave his precious beard and head in front of his cheerleader girlfriend. She'll start crying, then he'll start crying, the game will end and everyone in Denver will be left with a hollow, empty feeling inside. It won't be pretty.

Game's Balls Go To: People Who Don't Like Football
A playoff game in frosty Denver with the defending champs is what football's all about. The Wild Card games were blander than a cracker sandwich on white bread, but this game will kick off the real playoffs and could be the best matchup of the entire postseason. So, if you spend your free time doing supposedly "constructive" things like reading, working on hobbies or fathering children all across the nation, I suggest you kick back and take in this football game. You just might realize that your favorite thing to do with your free time is absolutely nothing at all. Go ahead, give it a try. The first one's free.

Final Score: Patriots 24 Broncos 23