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Four for Fighting

Now that Jimmy Spencer is no longer driving the Cup circuit full time, a new ass-kicker needs to step up and administer some trackside punishment with his fists. Here are the drivers I'd least like to fight:

Kevin Harvick The crazy Californian might be all words and no actions, but I still wouldn't want to be the one to test him. Harvick's advantage comes from his unpredictability—he could snap at any second and knock you down before you even realized he wanted to fight.

Robby Gordon At a minimum, he must fight better than the driver who shares his last name. I've seen third-grade girls push harder than Jeff Gordon (and that girl wasn't even that tough—I totally kicked her ass after I got off the ground).

Tony Stewart Just tell him someone stole his donuts—all three bakeries' worth.

Dale Jarrett Lost amid all the controversy of Busch's move was the fact that had Jarrett not driven like a Floridian going for more prune juice, he wouldn't have held up Kenseth and let Busch catch him from behind. Surprisingly, nobody complained about Jarrett's driving after the race. Probably because he's crazy and fights dirty—I bet he hides a wrench in his neck wrinkles.

Another Bristol race, another Kurt Busch victory, another group of drivers who want to kick his ass. It's pretty much my favorite NASCAR tradition—other than having overweight grandmothers flashing their breasts in the RV park, of course.

It doesn't matter that Busch's bump-and-run maneuver past Matt Kenseth to win was an established racing move perfected by the patron saint himself, Dale Earnhardt. It doesn't matter than Busch is the best driver at NASCAR's most popular track. It doesn't even matter than Busch got plastic surgery in the off-season to turn his Lord of the Rings lobes into normal ears. (Ok, that's not true—that matters a little.) But the fact of the matter is, the devious driver was involved in yet another controversy, making it even more difficult for NASCAR's least likable star to gain popularity.

After more than 100,000 people booed him in Victory Lane again, Busch tried to pretend that some people were chanting for him, not against him. "With the last name of Busch, it rhymes with boo," he said. Yeah, Busch and boo rhyme…just like Busch and "phonetically challenged assface" rhyme.

After the race, frequent Busch nemesis Kevin Harvick told The Charlotte Observer that his only racing regret is that he hasn't yet "whipped Kurt Busch's ass." If Hothead Harvick and Boo-sch ever get into a fight, I know where I'm placing my bets. In fact, I'd take Kevin's wife DeLana in a fight against Busch, too.