Clearly, when the playoffs heat up, things get ugly.

After two weeks, four suspensions, and four Kobes (team player, volume shooter, clothesline victim, sore loser), we've finally made it to the second round. And while many teams can win a first-round series—eight, in fact—it takes a team that's clearly defined its style all season to make a serious push into the conference finals. (And I'm not talking about throwbacks.) Here's how each surviving team plays—as well as who's going to invoke David Stern and enforce their style on everybody else.

EAST
DETROIT VS. CLEVELAND
Pistons basketball: There are no holes in this balanced attack. The city that puts the layoffs in playoffs enjoys a mix of explosive offense and bruising defense, leaving most opponents scratching their heads after the game. (And it's not because they're wondering why Kid Rock still gets such good seats.)
Cavs basketball: LeBron James may be the chosen one, but he'll probably want to choose some more defensive-minded teammates in the off-season. While King James is the kind of offensive force that can inspire a standing O with a pass, his defense, as well as his team's, sports more holes than my church socks.
Outcome: A lot like Jim Gray, one-on-five basketball rarely works in the playoffs. Pistons, 4–1.

MIAMI VS. NEW JERSEY
Heat basketball: If at first Shaq does not succeed, D-Wade will try and try again. Yet when the Big Foul Trouble gets it going inside, everything else opens up for the Heat on offense. Warning: Game-long lapses in defensive intensity prove that team effort fluctuates more wildly than Pat Riley's hair color.
Nets basketball: In the half court, New Jersey's big three can negate Miami's bulk inside with pick-and-rolls. They don't run like they used to, but if they want to win this series, they'll have to follow Chicago's blueprint and keep Shaq moving up and down the court—something he despises more than Kobe.
Outcome: As it is with shoes, bras, and Shaq's shoes and bras, size matters in this series. So long as Miami exerts effort in four of the seven games, they're moving on. Heat, 4–3.

WEST
SAN ANTONIO VS. DALLAS
Spurs basketball: When they're not lulling you to sleep with their precision offense, they're bullying you with their disciplined defense. Just like Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, this group is made for the NBA playoffs.
Mavs basketball: They can still put up points in flurries, but Avery Johnson's new approach also has them moving the ball on offense and controlling the tempo of the game. This series is Dirk's chance to once and for all prove that he can carry a team in the postseason the same way he carries his blond wig around in a gym bag.
Outcome: I'm not sure why they're hosting the Western Conference finals in the second round, but I am sure San Antonio's experience is going to triumph. Spurs, 4–2.

PHOENIX VS. LOS ANGELES (CLIPPERS)
Suns basketball: With all the focus on running, shooting, and mismatches, "defense" is a bad word in Phoenix. (So is "cunt.")
Clippers basketball: As strange as it is to see the Clippers in the playoffs, it's even stranger that their stifling field goal percentage defense is tailored for tight postseason games. On offense, Elton Brand and Chris Kaman provide a two-headed monster in the paint that opens up shots on the perimeter for Cuttino Mobley and Sam I Am (Getting Too Old for This Crap).
Outcome: The only way the Clipp Show comes out on top is if they can figure out how to resist playing at the Suns' pace—a pace that's more alluring to an NBA player than 22-inch rims. Suns, 4–2.