Racing Ruminations
Any hack columnist can predict the top five Dodge Charger 500 finishers. I predict the top five and the guy who will finish 17th!
LAST WEEK
Top five: 3/5
17th: 0–1
SEASON
Top five: 21/50
17th: 0–10
1. Jimmie Johnson
2. Greg Biffle
3. Mark Martin
4. Tony Stewart
5. Kasey Kahne
17. Dale Jarrett
Zany wrecks have been the story of the 2006 season for Carl Edwards. He turned an off-season full of hype into a crash and a last-place finish in Daytona. At Atlanta, his best track, he managed to get wrecked on pit row—and it didn't even involve a Busch brother. Spinning out while running in first at Texas just added to his misery. Since Carl is probably busy trying to win races to erase those memories, I decided to come up with new ways for him to finish lower than Jeremy Mayfield.

  • Ask Michael Waltrip for driving tips.

  • Install girlfriend Amanda Beard as crew chief. Dump wind tunnel sessions in favor of full-body shaving.

  • Get shot by Jack Bauer for screwing up CTU.

  • Insist on longer pit stops to check the NBA playoff scores.

  • Go retro and run a 1975 Pinto.

  • Borrow Kevin Harvick's pit strategy manual.

  • Bump draft the pace car.

  • Trade cars with Ryan Newman.

  • Burnouts after the race are so cliché, but a burnout during driver intros? Now that would be awesome.

  • Take a page from the game NASCAR 2005: Chase for the Cup and decide, "Screw it. I'm driving this race backwards."

  • Get special "modifications" made to your car by Chad Knaus. Feign ignorance when NASCAR strips away your victory.

  • Horoscope says 324 is your lucky number. There's really no need to run all 367 laps.

  • Take a cue from teammate Greg Biffle and do your victory backflip after finishing fourth. Your car will be in the top five, but your dignity will be in last.