Everyone's favorite alien-expounding, psychiatry-bashing church of the stars is joining stock car racing. Scientology will sponsor the Dianetics Racing Team—named for the book by founder L. Ron Hubbard—in weekly races at local tracks in California.

The Scientologists claim they have hired Kenton Gray to be their driver, but I suspect they have some sort of plan involving thetans, the Today show, and Tom Cruise's baby's placenta to summon Cole Trickle out of the Days of Thunder DVD and into a real-life race car. So how would Trickle fare against 2006 competition? I put him head-to-head with another California-born early-1990s racing prodigy, Jeff Gordon.

Trickle Gordon

PREVIOUS RACING HISTORY
Trickle Gordon
Sprint cars, two-time World of Outlaws champ, ASA late models. Busch Series rookie of the year, USAC midgets champ, three-time quarter-midget national champion.
Advantage: Gordon

OWNER
Trickle Gordon
Tim Daland, car dealer whose race shop is an old barn. Rick Hendrick, car dealer who owns three top-level teams (plus Brian Vickers' car) and a state-of-the-art race shop in Charlotte.
Advantage: Gordon

CREW CHIEF
Trickle Gordon
Harry Hogge, grizzled veteran who can build top-level cars in an old barn and enjoys ice cream at the track. Ray Evernham, Brian Whitesell, Robbie Loomis, Steve Letarte, whoever Hendrick hires after Letarte gets released due to unrealistic expectations.
Advantage: Trickle

NEMESIS
Trickle Gordon
Russ Wheeler, the new hotshot driver who took his ride. Everyone who lives in the South.
Advantage: Gordon

REVENGE
Trickle Gordon
Wrecking Wheeler during a victory lap. Two-handed "shove" to chest of Matt Kenseth.
Advantage: Trickle (Gordon actually loses a point for girliness of shove)

GIRL
Trickle Gordon
Dr. Claire Lewicki, a neurosurgeon who is way too young to have actually finished undergrad, let alone med school. Ingrid Vandebosch, who should put to death all idiotic "Jeff Gordon is gay" rumors.
Advantage: Gordon

SCANDAL
Trickle Gordon
Fighting in pits cost team sponsorship opportunity. Got a little cranky with a cameraman when his plane made an emergency landing.
Advantage: Trickle

CAREER HIGHLIGHT
Trickle Gordon
Winning the Daytona 500 with a Bill Davis Racing–like car. Four championships, 73 victories.
Advantage: Trickle

And the winner is…
The steering Scientologist slingshots past the rainbow warrior into Victory Lane, 4–3.