We all know how this one's going to end, so why don't we just skip the foreplay, huh? Southern Cal is the uncontested Kelly Clarkson of all things college football, coming off its third consecutive championsh…er…sorry, folks, I've had this thing set to auto-write since 2004. Honest mistake. But now the reality of life in America post-1/4/06 is setting in. Without USC, who will be our moral compass? Without Matt Leinart, who will be our Throwhunk? Without Reggie Bush, how will we correctly dial San Diego?

Thankfully, ESPN the magazine has answered the most crucial of these questions. Looking characteristically adorable on the current cover is Notre Dame's Brady Quinn, along with a host of dogshit predictions formulated without my input. That's what the next 2,500 words are for, brought to you compliments of fictional analysis by Brent Musburger and Trev Alberts. Special thanks to both for their imaginary help!



26. WISCONSIN (10–3 overall, 5–3 Big Ten)
Hurtful stereotype: Runs like the dickens, passes like Dick Cheney
Brent Musburger: "This is another breathtaking Badgers defensive front, and John Stocco is the most underrated quarterback in the Big Ten. No, wait, the Big 20!"
Trev Alberts: "Last year's 10 wins were a retirement gift to Barry Alvarez. In three years, head coach Bret Bielema will be lucky to get a job at CSTV."
Labor Day barbecue invitee most like: Uncle who gets so shitfaced he pisses in the marinade but miraculously drives himself home. To Canada.


25. COLORADO (7–6 overall, 5–4 Big 12)
Hurtful stereotype: Displays the week-to-week consistency of the milk in my refrigerator
Brent Musburger: "Zen master Dan Hawkins turned urine—albeit zesty, hard-working smalltown urine—into Moët in Boise. Just imagine what transcendent summits, both figurative and literal, he'll scale in Boulder!"
Trev Alberts: "What the screw did he just say?"
Buffact: CU's football program was originally formed to pay down the school's enormous collective marijuana debt.


24. OREGON (10–2 overall, 7–1 Pac 10)
Hurtful stereotype: As perennially dependable as a ride home from soccer practice when your mom's Kate Moss
Brent Musburger:"Quarterback Dennis Dixon was like Raul to Kellen Clemens' Fidel last year, and the entire offensive line returns. Talk about homeland security!"
Trev Alberts: "You have to respect that the defense has allowed fewer points per game in each of the last three seasons. If you're a like Musburger, that is."
Illiterate junkie spawn on the rise: Defensive end Dexter Manley Jr.


23. CLEMSON (8–4 overall, 4–4 ACC)
Hurtful stereotype: The kind of light, mobile armored force that's working so well in Iraq
Brent Musburger: "These are no 'paper Tigers,' ha, ha, ha…well, except on paper. There they look positively fabulous!"
Trev Alberts: "What Jerkoff is trying to say is that Clemson has the most experience in the ACC, including all five offensive lineman from last year. They'll have to replace Charlie Whitehurst, but an outstanding defensive front seven ought to buy time. *Whoa* What just happened?"
Commonly held misconception: The Tigers play Georgia Tech 11 times a year.


22. ARKANSAS (4–7 overall, 2–6 SEC)
Hurtful stereotype: The Hogs pass the football like they're passing kidney stones
Brent Musburger: "Arkansas' ground attack is quite possibly the nation's most potent, evoking the swift, merciless blitzkriegs of Rommel's African Panzer forces. With 19 returning starters, the Hogs could cause quite a führer!"
Trev Alberts: "Who in screw put a 4–7 team in the top 26? Also, shut up, Musburger."
Snarky recruit warning: U-Ark fans expecting Metallica out of prize QB Mitch Mustain best dial their expectations down around Megadeth.


21. OKLAHOMA (8–4 overall, 6–2 Big 12)
Hurtful stereotype: Can crush you any one of a hundred ways…unless there's a quarter ounce of lickable beer spilled anywhere in the immediate vicinity
Brent Musburger: "Out of the shadows of QB Rhett Bomar's regrettable dismissal from the team emerges the gutsy Paul Thompson, around whom the Sooners, one and all, have rallied their support."
Trev Alberts: "Points per game are down on offense and up on defense each of the last two years, and this assbag acts like Theodore Roosevelt just came in for William McKinley. Dumbass."
Celebrity counterpart: Colin Farrell, post-Alexander


20. BOISE STATE (9–4 overall, 7–1 WAC)
Hurtful stereotype: Dominate their competition the way, say, you and some friends might dominate a Pop Warner league full of nine-year-old omniplegics
Brent Musburger: "Zen master Dan Hawkins leaves the Broncos' cupboard loaded with 18 returning starters including the doughty John Helmandollar at fullback. This season could be special."
Trev Alberts: "Yes, as special as any schedule featuring two total bowl teams from the previous year. You're the kind of guy who gets excited over celebrity-shaped potato chips, aren't you?"
Equivalent creepy fraud: John Mark Karr


19. TEXAS TECH (9–3 overall 6–2 Big 12)
Hurtful stereotype: Neglects the run as if it were an NBA athlete's kid
Brent Musburger: "Oh, what high-flying theatrics does offensive virtuoso Mike Leach have in store this season? He'll be starting his fourth consecutive first-year QB, but all four soul-stirring wideouts return. The skies are not safe!"
Trev Alberts: "The team ranked 104th out of 117 teams last year running the football, you putz. Plus sacks are a calamity on both sides of the ball. Combine that with huge losses in the secondary, and this defense is going to make Baylor look like Texas Tech."
Action star equivalent: Orlando Bloom


18. GEORGIA (10–3 overall, 7–2 SEC)
Hurtful stereotype: National championship ---- tease
Brent Musburger: "It's gut-check time for the 'Dawgs, with a quarterback quandary, defensive-back depletion, and the fewest returning starters of the rarefied Richt regime. Aw, who am I kidding? These guys are going to have the whole world on a plate!"
Trev Alberts: "Seriously, I'm going to brain this geek if he opens his craven dick hole one more goddamn time. When Richt discovers that NCAA rules allow you to run the ball, this team's going to be dangerous."
Late-'80s/early-'90s equivalent: Florida State


17. VIRGINIA TECH (11–2 overall, 7–2 ACC)
Hurtful stereotype: Winning with the plump, lumbering hayseeds Middle Tennessee turns up its nose at
Brent Musburger: "For the first time in a decade the Hokies are Vickless, but the unflappable Frank Beamer has the ACC's catchiest receiving corps, the nation's No. 1 defense, and outer space's most extraterrestrial special teams to rebuild around. This is gonna be must-see VT!"
Trev Alberts: "Whatever, I was fucking linebacker at Nebraska."
Hokie marketing coup: All official sideline gear now manufactured by Coleman


16. FLORIDA (9–3 overall, 5–3 SEC)
Hurtful stereotype: The Sandra Bernhard of Division I-A football
Brent Musburger: "Year 2 is when Urban Meyer truly shines. Oh, the misdirection! Oh, the offensive geniusissitude! Oh, the rockets orange glare!"
Trev Alberts: "Chris Leak's passing and rushing numbers were better under Ron Zook, for chrissake. That's like trading for Tommy Lee's dick, then fucking Weird Al's groupies. This team's better than 16, but a schedule featuring Tennessee, LSU, Auburn, and Florida State won't give a crap."
Urban Meyer doesn't want you to know… He showers with his players


15. TENNESSEE (5–6 overall, 3–5 SEC)
Hurtful stereotype: 4-3 defense, Z-zzzz offense
Brent Musburger: "Tennessee failed to make a bowl game for the first time in 16 years last season, but don't cry for Phil Fulmer—that's my job! The exultant return of the indefatigable David Cutcliffe should restore the Vols' offensive supremacy, relieving a defense that's been the real hero since 9/11.
Trev Alberts: "Seriously guy, are you mentally fucking retarded?
Equivalent hour of the day: 3:37 PM to 4:37 PM


14. TCU (11–1 overall, 8–0 Mountain West)
Hurtful stereotype: Homer entering the nuclear power plant design contest against a field of children…and beating their brains out!
Brent Musburger: "On the dusty, SUV-strewn plains of Fort Worth, Texas, Gary Patterson is quietly authoring a modern-day Horatio Alger story. Mess with these Frogs and you'll get the horns!"
Trev Alberts: "Oh cram it, you fucking dandy, there's no way this team finishes +21 in turnovers again."
Nitpickers.com says: "The horned frog is actually a lizard. They're not even the same class let alone genus, duh"


13. CALIFORNIA (8–4 overall, 5–3 Pac 10)
Hurtful stereotype: Promised threat to Southern Cal's dominance as mythical as the Cruise-Holmes child
Brent Musburger: "There may be a new sheriff in the Pac 10 this season, with Jeff Tedford returning nearly twice as many starters as last year's team, which finished top 25 in scoring offense and defense. This year, Cal may just be too much for USC to 'Bear!'"
Trev Alberts: "I am going to come in your face."
You know that chick on One Tree Hill? Yeah, me neither


12. IOWA (7–5 overall, 5–3 Big Ten)
Hurtful stereotype: Does more before 7 AM than most people do all day. Mostly because ESPN won't air its games any later
Brent Musburger: "Sensational senior Drew Tate combines with all-powerful Albert Young to take an outstanding offense to hair-raising heights!"
Trev Alberts: "I have to agree with Musburger…wait, sorry, I was reading his Hello Kitty diary entry about how loathed he is by everyone, including himself. That crap about Iowa is straight garbage."
'70s sitcom equivalent: Cindy Brady


11. FLORIDA STATE (8–5 overall, 5–3 ACC)
Hurtful stereotype: Doing less with more since 2001!
Brent Musburger: "Don't underestimate the old Riverboat Gambler—there's still plenty of fire in Bobby Bowden's belly!"
Trev Alberts: "Yeah, along with an entire Domino's pizza. FSU just came off its worst season rushing in history—they're Texas Tech with a better haircut, at best. The only reason they're not slumming with Colorado on this list is because they play eight home games against the likes of Troy, Rice, and Western Michigan. (DeCody) Faggs."
Equivalent product at the end of its life cycle: Inspirational rubber bracelet


10. MIAMI (9–3 overall, 6–2 ACC)
Hurtful stereotype: Mortally frightened of the bottom half of the ACC
Brent Musburger: "With the taste of a 40–3 season-ending loss to LSU still piquant on their tongues, the 'Canes welcome back Rich Olson to the offensive coordinator post he held during UM's halcyon early '90s. Sound the alarms and evacuate the rich, because these Hurricanes are poised for a Category 5 comeback!"
Trev Alberts: "QB Kyle Wright would get more protection from Anthony Wollschlager's used condoms this season than Miami's offensive line."
Street value of a kilogram of cocaine: Approx. $20,000


9. LSU (11-2 overall, 7–2 SEC)
Hurtful stereotype: "If it weren't for recruiting, this team's success would be as incomprehensible as Bill Simmons'
Brent Musburger: "There's more talent on the Bayou this year than season one of Master of Champions, Thursdays at 8 PM on ABC!"
Trev Alberts: "Nothing to me suggests this team should be any better than last year and that squad could have gone 6–6, turning in five wins of four points or less. What, too thoughtful? Very well then: suck it, Musburger."
Equivalent charity: Doctors Without Diplomas


8. WEST VIRGINIA (11-1 overall, 8–0 Big East)
Hurtful stereotype: As ignored universally as everything else in West Virginia
Brent Musburger: "West Virginians are united under the banner of ruthless defense and a ferocious ground game that are making up for decades of black lung and child deformity. Look at these guys run!"
Trev Alberts: "…just don't look at them pass. For the love of balls, one team out of 117 threw for fewer yards than the Mountaineers last year (Rice) and its quarterback has one arm. And it's his non-throwing arm."
State snack: Pennsylvania


7. OHIO STATE (10–2 overall, 7–1 Big Ten)
Hurtful stereotype: Emphasize offense like Switzerland emphasizes offense
Brent Musburger: "Folks, I cannot say enough about this team—"
Trev Alberts: "You've already said enough about this team. Do the pollsters see something I don't? Like, perhaps, eight more starters? Because I only see nine—which, of course, look like 18 to you, four eyes. Best linebacking corps in the country: Gone. Entire secondary: Gone. Senator Bob Ney: Gone. Plus, they hold onto balls as well as Lance Armstrong."
Equivalent spam e-mail: RE: name brand c0ck rings for less!


6. NOTRE DAME (9–3 overall)
Hurtful stereotype: If smug self-satisfaction were touchdowns, the Irish would be 119-time reigning national champs
Brent Musburger: "Players, fans, and Gerry Adams have waited awfully long for an Irish resurgence, and now they're being rewarded with the nation's top returning pass offense, led by brawny Brady Quinn."
Trev Alberts: "Who told you you could work with men? Notre Dame's as awful defending the pass as it is good at offending it. Think that might matter against Michigan State, Purdue, UCLA, and USC, jackass?"
Fun thing to yell at Notre Dame Stadium: "Allahu akbar!"


5. SOUTHERN CAL (12–1 overall, 8–0 Pac 10)
Hurtful stereotype: Best team of the last four years. Feel the pain, assholes!
Brent Musburger: "The holy trinity of Leinart, Bush, and White are gone but, like shark's teeth, there's another razor-sharp set ready to replace them. Pete Carroll's boys are going to be fun to watch this season!"
Trev Alberts: "Like watching boys, huh, Musburger? Hope you like watching craphole defense, because SC yielded 10 more points in '05 than in '04, the fifth biggest drop in college football."
Crayola classification of Pete Carroll's tan: Honey Wood


4. TEXAS (13–0 overall, 9–0 Big 12)
Hurtful stereotype: Football program merely a pawn in global war on terror
Brent Musburger: "After 22 years without even a conference championship, Mack Brown brought college football's top prize back to Austin. But the Longhorns' stocked stable loses its prize buck—"
Trev Alberts: "Holy screw, stop right there, Jesse Helms. Yes, Vince Young's gone, but worse is that UT doesn't have a single college pass attempt left on the roster. This team could finish fourth or 24th."
Last Longhorns loss: Man of the House


3. MICHIGAN (7–5 overall, 5–3 Big Ten)
Hurtful stereotype: You'd be perfectly happy with a 75-year C average too
Brent Musburger: "After an exhilarating 2004 Rose Bowl that renewed America's faith in the human spirit, many envisioned Michigan and Texas on a championship collision course. A year later the Longhorns have a trophy and the Wolverines have questions. Well, folks, here're the answers—"
Trev Alberts: "Time's up, you fucking popinjay. Michigan lost five games by a total of 21 points last year and the roster losses are manageable. Stop hatin'!"
Wolverine's first appearance: Incredible Hulk #181


2. LOUISVILLE (9–3 overall, 7–1 Big East)
Hurtful stereotype: Calling Louisville your favorite team is like calling Kraftwerk your favorite band. Interesting answer, but you're full of crap
Brent Musburger: "Nothing's more American than an underdog, and last year's No. 3 offense is Wal-Mart driving a Chevy Suburban to Sunday school. But with the right bounces, a possible undefeated season is in the 'Cards!'"
Trev Alberts: "Games against Miami and West Virginia give UL national championship credibility, while games against everyone else on the schedule give them 10 weeks paid vacation."
Best seating in Papa John's Stadium: Cinna Swirl Sweetreat Terrace


1. AUBURN (9–3 overall, 7–1 SEC)
Hurtful stereotype: NCAA's most yards whining the last two seasons
Brent Musburger: "Funny…I don't seem to have anything prepared for Aubur—"
Trev Alberts: "Douchebag, the Tigers return the most seniors in the SEC with a nonconference slate of Musburgers that promises an automatic four-win head start. Plus, their toughest games are at home, with the exception of the season-ender at Alabama. Can I please wedgie this guy now?"
Equivalent kindergarten character: Kid who performs finger tests in various orifices, then sniffs the results


Helmet images courtesy of The Helmet Project.