PERFORMERS
Skating Stripping
Rich, 16-year-old girls who look like junior high boys Poor, 40-something women who lost their virginity in junior high
Advantage: Stripping



COSTUMES
Skating Stripping
Tight, sequined outfits designed to produce cleavage N/A
Advantage: Stripping



VENUE
Skating Stripping
New, multi-million-dollar arena with a shimmering ice rink beside an opera house Neon-lit, strip-mall cubby with dirt floor beside a chicken farm
Advantage: Skating



MUSIC
Skating Stripping
Third movement from obscure classical concerto written by dead Romanian B-side from Led Zeppelin III written by someone who choked on his own vomit—or any of these songs
Advantage: Stripping



RETIREMENT PLAN
Skating Stripping
Graduating high school, MCing Disneyland parades, realizing your life peaked at 17 Serving 10-15 after getting pinched funding meth habit via backroom BJs
Advantage: Skating



SCANDAL
Skating Stripping
Thugs supporting Tanya Harding take out rival Nancy Kerrigan days before the '94 trials She doesn't actually want to go home with you
Advantage: Skating



SIGNATURE MOVE
Skating Stripping
Jumping, spinning in the air, and landing on one foot Jumping, spinning down a pole, and landing on your lap
Advantage: Stripping



JUDGES
Skating Stripping
An uptight Frenchman bribed by the Russian mob into docking points for slipping Greased-up Russian mobsters dropping singles for nip slipping
Advantage: Stripping



TEAMMATE
Skating Stripping
Out-of-the-closet Canadian who waxes his chest Lipstick lesbian who waxes everything
Advantage: Stripping



And the Winner is…
MAXIM ONLINE'S OLYMPIC INVASION
Viewer's Guide
What to watch and what to avoid like the Summer Olympics.


Drinking Game
Enjoy the 2006 Games by getting drunker than Bode Miller.

Stripping vs. Skating
One's a carefully choreographed routine, the other's an Olympic sport.

King of the Mountain
The best American skier since, well, ever, Bode Miller.

Maxim Intern Olympics
Our one event with two competitors and no medals is still better than figure skating.


The nearly-naked performers dress down the ice queens, 6–3, in the battle for sporting legitimacy.