College football’s elder statesman needs to up his meds.

Hey I know most of your posters are retarded, and it’s clear that you no longer care about legitimate college football discussion, but for old time’s sake please answer this: Has there ever been a less effective coaching job than that which is being perpetrated on the FSU Seminoles? Has any "legend" in any media (politics, sports, acting, etc.) tarnished his/her legacy as much as Bobby Bowden is now?
– Art

  "What you do after the city limits is your business."
I was going to let this question fester like a flagging 77-year-old football coach, but the Bowden scion forced my hand. Tuesday afternoon’s announcement that Jeff Bowden will resign as offensive coordinator following the end of the 2006 season was oddly reminiscent of Donald Rumsfeld’s resignation last week and no less shocking. Much the same way, I’d actually begun to respect the administration’s stubbornness in its insistence on retaining a boob who’s demonstrated all the genius on offense that Rumsfeld exhibited on defense. Evidently the Florida State brain trust can’t even succeed in being unilateralist piss sticks.

Bobby Bowden’s response to criticism this year has been nothing short of twat-like. After steering one of the nation’s five most talented teams into a 5–5 riverbank (if it weren’t for the twelfth game recently added by the NCAA, the ’Noles would be relying on a win over Florida just to reach bowl eligibility), he’s dubbed his critics “PlayStation All-Americans,” suggesting that, since they’ve not played or coached a down of football in their lives, they’re in no position to doubt him. Curious, since he never once questioned their qualifications to suck him off the last 20 years.

This is a far cry from his counterpart in decay Joe Paterno who, while having responded to criticism like a stodgy, cantankerous ass…has always been a stodgy cantankerous ass. Conversely, where one of Bowden’s greatest strengths was once his savoir-faire with media, he’s since become a bitter, huffy liver spot of a man defiant to critique. Meanwhile, when Paterno’s son was single-handedly rotting Penn State’s offense from the inside like a colony of termites, he was gone before doing irreparable harm.

American voters need not to have served public office to criticize their elected officials for being craven, corrupt, venal fuckfaces. And neither must a school’s fans have personally guided a Division I-A college football program to a national title to recognize when their team is miserably underachieving. Soon Bowden will learn that fans are voters and, just as with the douchebags we recently ushered out of/into the Capitol, he can expect them to cast accordingly when they cease dropping green paper chads in the University's ballot box. Finally will come the midterm elections of National Signing Day, when the nation's four- and five-star recruits that used to come through for the BNC demonstrate their mistrust of the administration and sign with Florida, Georgia, or Iran.

For Christ’s sake, the man recently longed openly for the old, single-formation days of college football, criticizing today’s increased complication in the scheming and preparation necessary to create mismatches and misdirection. It's not fucking shuffleboard, it's major college football and it demands hungry, ambitious doers, not resentful, napping retirees in denial.

Bobby Bowden has remarked on numerous occasions that the Seminoles are only a playmaker away. And in a way he's right. Recruit the right replacement for this aging sack of orange soda and peanuts, and you're right back in the mix!