Adorable you say? Guilty as charged!

Last week: 8–4   |   Season Record: 34–18

Maryland 17
Boston College 21
Two teams that each beat Bobby Bowden, a man of 77 years much like myself. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the guy, but at least I had the decency to call it a life when my faculties crapped out.

Oklahoma State 41
Texas Tech 37
Tech boasts all the week-to-week consistency of my last bowel movement, but this could be a barnburner between two units that couldn’t protect the end zone with a 4-3-12 defense.

Auburn 20
Alabama 22
Pssht. You call this a rivalry? Why, back in my day, me and Woody’d refuse to stand on the same football field. We had to be suspended six inches from the ground by a helicopter whenever we visited the other’s stadium just to keep from sharing ground. That’s a goddamned rivalry.

Arizona 14
Oregon 26
This is what passes for football these days? Arizona moves the ball like I move the ball. Boy, I sure do miss moving…

Virginia Tech 24
Wake Forest 17
Christ, since when do Wake Forest scores get predicted? What do you mean “9–1?” Wake Forest? …The school?!? Sweet merciful crap, looks like I got out just in time.

South Florida 18
Louisville 27
"University of South Florida?" You mean Miami?

Rutgers 25
Cincinnati 20
I don’t even recognize college football anymore. If I were still alive, I’d move to Canada in protest.

California 23
Southern Cal 28
This one decides who’ll play Ohio State in the Rose Bowl, LOL! (What the hell does “LOL” mean anyway?)

UCLA 24
Arizona State 21
The Bruins oughtta put Rudy Carpenter down like a glass of Metamucil. Mmm…Metamucil…

Michigan 20
Ohio State 23
Get ready for a massive Hart attack! What? It can’t be too soon, folks, the joke’s about myself. Seriously, I’d love to pick my beloved ’Rines, but the goddamned game’s in Columbus and they put neurotoxin in the grass, the lousy cheaters.