Sometimes things just work out better than you could ever imagine. Instead of sitting in my tiny apartment in frigid New York, I have found myself sitting on South Beach, drinking beer and watching some of the hottest women in the world wearing some of the smallest clothes in the world. Sure, my pasty fat ass has no chance of getting noticed by any of these hotties (unless they are pointing at me and saying, “Hey, look at that pasty white fat ass.”) but do I care? No. Well, OK, a little. But I’m here in Meeami and I’m going to the game.

But first, I’m going to take part in some of the festivities that only Super Bowl weekend can offer. First up, heading over to Sony’s PS3 Gaming Lounge and taking on Playboy Playmate Deanna Brooks in a game of Madden. I know what you’re thinking, what’s her defensive tendencies? How is her kicking game? I was pretty worried, too. Before I sat down with her, I was told that she had defeated guys from the Miami Herald, Sports Illustrated and Newsweek. Uh, what? So with my manhood on the line, I try to defend the honor of nerds everywhere.

With me playing as the Bears and Deanna playing as the Colts, here are some game highlights:

First Quarter:

On her third play, she completes a 61-yard bomb to Brandon Stokely. My “perfect breast fetish” rears it’s ugly head again (it’s a real disorder, I promise) and I’m having trouble focusing on the screen.

Colts 7, Bears 0.

Second Quarter:

Riding Thomas Jones, Moose, and a very fortunate pass interference call on 4th and goal (field goals are for the elderly) I tie it up. My “Do you come here often?” pickup line elicits an “Are you sure you’re straight?” response. I stop talking for a little while.

Colts 7, Bears 7.

Halftime:

I attempt to steal the PS3. My “friends” at Sony are not amused. Honestly, I was just going to borrow it.

Third Quarter:

While on defense, my accidental All-Out Blitz call (I was trying to call Prevent) somehow works. Manning is sacked by Lance Briggs, fumbles, Ricky Manning picks up the ball and waltzes into the end zone. I pretend like I knew what I was doing and give high fives to unamused passersby. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. Or fat.

Bears 14, Colts 7

Final:

I don’t want to belabor the point, but “perfect breast fetish” is a very real, very serious problem plaguing much of the nation’s male population. While I was dealing with my issues, Deanna puts together a four-play drive, culminating in a Manning to Harrison 34 yard touchdown bomb, followed by a gutsy call. Instead of going for the tie, she hands it off to Joseph Addai for a game-winning two-point conversion.

Colts 15, Bears 14

So, while I didn’t technically “win,” I like to think that everyone was a winner today. It’s not everyday that nerds and Playmates can come together and compete in a professional manner. Staring and drooling is professional, right?