Trying to predict Major League Baseball every spring is April Fool's stuff. Who cares if Joe Beat Writer picked the Yankees over the Red Sox in the AL East? Oh, the Pirates will finish last in the NL Central? Groundbreaking insight, BudgetPundits.com. How 'bout a new twist on baseball forecasting: five bench-clearing fights that will happen in 2008. Here's hoping you're in the stands or near a TV when these go down.
Braves vs. Mets, April 26, Shea Stadium
Mike Hampton finally comes off the DL (again) to face his old team, and the Mets' front office accountants send word to enforcer Endy Chavez that Hampton must go down. Chavez charges the mound, and the reheated rivalry gets as gooey as the nachos in the Shea mezzanine.
Marlins vs. Phillies, May 30, Citizens Bank Park
Marlins
backup catcher Paul Hoover will clash with Philly backstop Carlos Ruiz
(Chris Coste will still be away on his book tour) as the Fish try to
horn in on the NL East angst already premanufactured between the Mets
and Phillies, and sometimes the Braves. The trick backfires and Florida
sinks like a stone. Nobody notices.
Nationals vs. Twins, June 18, Metrodome
Everyone will be
expecting the Dodgers and Angels to set the interleague record for
brawls (they’ve cleared the benches twice during the Freeway Series),
but the real trouble will go down when these two attention-starved
franchises go toe-to-toe on the NextTurf. The Twins will escape
unscathed, led by Joe Mauer’s Captain America innocence, with the Natssustaining heavy casualties. Bat-wielding will be involved, therefore suspensions will be severe.
Yankees vs. Red Sox, July 26, Fenway Park
New Yankees
manager Joe Girardi starts to feel the hot seat and clashes with Red
Sox mascot Wally the Green Monster over personal-space issues in
cramped Fenway Park. Ben Affleck gets involved, and during the scuffle
Derek Jeter and David Ortiz casually discuss Lansdowne Street clubs and
where to get the Ferrari washed. ESPN halts all programming to air
three-hour specials about the Girardi-Wally clash, the history of the
rivalry, and where Jose Canseco’s wife was when it all went down.
Cardinals vs. Cardinals, Sept. 14, PNC Park
During a
meaningless game against the Pirates, Cards manager Tony La Russa and
superstar first baseman Albert Pujols will do battle in a dugout tunnel
as La Russa gets in the slugger’s way for the 1,900th time because he
never sits down and always stands too close to either the watercooler
or the bat rack. The frustrated Pujols, a known Pirate killer, blows a
fuse after striking out against former teammate Matt Morris, who will
be seeking his third victory of the season.
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Spike Vrusho is the author of Benchclearing: Baseball’s Greatest Fights and Riots (Lyons Press), a grossly comprehensive guide to baseball violence, released in March.