Tampa proudly proclaims itself the Lap Dance Capital of the World and was an early mecca of Florida’s death-metal scene. But this wonderfully skeezy city will become even more awesome when it hosts the Super Bowl on February 1. America’s tawdriest town will be packed with thousands of fans hellbent on experiencing Tampa in all its naked glory. Optimize every minute of your time with our handy guide. Just don’t forget to get those tetanus shots before you go!

The Hurricane
Fiending for the freshest grouper in town? Take the Howard Frankland Bridge across the bay to St. Petersburg and stop by beachfront hot spot the Hurricane for Florida’s favorite fish. This scrumptiously flaky piece of Gulf Coast goodness is served fried, broiled, grilled, blackened, or jerked. For maximum hangover-killing power, try the pleasingly greasy Grouper Reuben. 807 Gulf Way, St. Pete Beach, thehurricane.com.


Mons Venus
Within walking distance of Raymond James Stadium, Tampa’s top jiggle joint features all-nude dancers working the pole in nothing but their Lucite high heels. The $30 lap dances are first-rate: “full-contact” and fondle-friendly. Um, at least that’s what we hear! 2040 N. Dale Mabry Hwy., monsvenus.com


The Original Hooters
Sure, you’ve visited one of these world-famous fine-dining establishments and wondered why the hell all the waitresses are forced to wear pantyhose. But don’t you wanna see where it all began? Opened in 1983, this cozy wood building in Tampa Bay is the original eatery that brought together nice breasts and hot wings. Brilliant! 2800 Gulf-to-Bay Boulevard, Clearwater, originalhooters.com


Crab Shack
Seafood stops don’t get kitschier than this Old Florida treasure located next to the Redneck Rivi­era. Chow down on the steamed blue crabs, fresh oysters, gator bites, and, yes, the smoked mullet!11400 Gandy Blvd., St. Petersburg, crabshack.com


Walters Press Box
Can’t score Super Bowl tix? Pull up a stool and sob quietly at this sports bar down the street from the stadium. It’s got a low ceiling, no windows, and wood-paneled walls plastered with Tampa sports memorabilia. Giant foam #1 fingers drink free! 222 S. Dale Mabry, pressboxsports.com


Gandy Boulevard Beach
A thin, dirty stretch of sand that serves as Tampa Bay’s very own Redneck Riviera, it’s where leathery bikers and their thong-clad motorcycle mamas guzzle beers and romp in the surf with their scarily aggressive pit bulls.Drive west on Gandy Boulevard, over the bridge that leads to St. Petersburg. The beach is on your left.


Shooting Sports
Rent a handgun, rifle, or shotgun on the cheap at T.B.’s best indoor range. And ladies get free range time, gun rentals, and ammo discounts on Monday nights!7811 N. Dale Mabry Hwy., shootingsports tampa.com


2001 Odyssey
This spaceship-themed topless (and bottomless!) temple could give E.T. himself an interplanetary erection. A trip to the rooftop flying saucer VIP room is pricey, but if you pick the right girl to beam you up, it could be something to tell your grandkids about. 2309 N. Dale Mabry Hwy., 2001nude.com


Canoe With Critters
The Hillsborough River is populated by creepy black vultures, great blue herons, and large water turtles. But the real thrill is having nothing but a canoe and a paddle between your exposed limbs and an 11-foot gator. So be sure not to fall in when you lean over to crack open your sixth Bud tallboy. canoeescape.com


The Hub
Tampa’s greatest dive bar pours cheapo doubles that will transform you into a drooling, drunken man-baby. The crowd is an always interesting mix of slumming suits, off-the-clock cocktail waitresses, scruffy hipsters, and sketchy homeless dudes. They’ll be the ones who ask you for money (and smell like cheese).719 N. Franklin St., Tampa


Bern’s Steak House
Chow down on a porterhouse, slurp fine wine from one of Florida’s best-stocked cellars, and soak up the bordello-like ambiance at this venerable meat mecca. Spent too much cash the night before on that stripper who was saving up for a prosthetic leg? Belly up to the bar and order the off-the-menu steak sandwich. The heaping slab of beef on a fresh-baked bun with onion rings costs a measly 11 bucks. 1208 S. Howard Ave., Tampa, bernssteakhouse.com


Dallas Bull
Country music reigns supreme in Tampa, and the gigantic Dallas Bull honky-tonk (two floors, seven bars, 99 toilets) is the place to line-dance with the city’s sexiest cowgirls. Yes, there’s a mechanical bull. Yes, the girls are always hot, thanks to their painted-on Wranglers and stiletto cowboy boots. But, for the love of God, leave your “cool” duster coat in the car. 3322 U.S. Highway 301 N., Tampa, dallasbull.com