1. HATING THE RED SOX HAS NEVER BEEN SO MUCH FUN
Against all odds, the past few years have seen the Red Sox finally beat out the Yanks not only in the standings but as baseball’s most loathsome team. And they’re only getting worse. If owner John Henry’s whining wasn’t bad enough, in the past year Theo Epstein and Co. pulled in a raft of Curt Schilling look-alikes, slamming the door on the era when talented, mercurial nonwhite stars carried the Sox and bewildered the Fenway faithful. Subtract Manuel Aristides Ramirez, add John Smoltz, Brad Penny, Mark Kotsay, and Rocco Baldelli, and what do you get? A terrifying caricature of lily-white Boston. The paleness is blinding!

2. AWESOMELY BAD HAIR
Now that Jason Giambi is returning to Oakland, he can go back to being the scruffy bastard we know and love. (Minus the PEDs, of course.) But if 1) the Giambino wants to once again boast baseball’s worst ’do, he has to contend with 2) Manny Ramirez’ nappy dreads, 3) Vladimir Guerrero’s weird mini-dreads, and 4) Hideki Matsui’s bowl cut.

3. LANDMARK ACHIEVEMENTS
Randy Johnson: He’s big, he’s ugly, and he has 295 career wins, meaning the Big Unit could be the last hurler to notch 300 wins (a feat he should accomplish Thursday, June 4 against the Washington Nationals.) Other milestones we’re boldly predicting:
Milestone: Gary Sheffield’s 500th home run.
 Game: Wednesday, April 8 at Toronto
Milestone: Mariano Rivera’s 500th save.
Game: Sunday, July 5 vs. Toronto
Milestone: The Mets collapse on the doorstep of the playoffs for the third straight time, passing New York’s Jets as the most heartbreaking franchise in pro sports.
Game: Friday, September 28 at Washington

4. GIRLS EATING HOT DOGS

5. RICKEY GOES TO COOPERSTOWN
This year’s Hall of Fame induction ceremony is must-see TV, if only to witness what Rickey Henderson, the most hilariously self-referential athlete in history, will say to the baseball faithful. Right now the over/under on how many times Rick-ey will thank Rickey is at 38. We’ll take the over.

 6. RETURN OF THE LITTLE GUY
The greatest tragedy of the McGwire-Bonds-Rodriguez era wasn’t the swollen records or broken trust—it was that baseball fans became so seduced by stats they forgot about the little guy. But 2009 promises a return to the glory days. In exactly three months, when 5'8'', 180-pound AL MVP Dustin Pedroia leads off the 2009 All-Star game against 5'10'', 170-pounds-in-lead-cleats Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum, somewhere Billy Martin will crack a longneck and smile (and then start screaming at his couch). Who knows—maybe Pedroia will rap a single up the middle, just beyond the reach of 5'8'' Jimmy Rollins and 5'7'' David Eckstein. Don’t tell CC Sabathia, but little dudes are back.

7. A WRIGLEY RIOT
Now that unhinged outfielder Milton Bradley has signed with the Cubs, the stage is set for an epic battle with legendary tantrum-throwing manager Lou Piniella. Bradley once tore his ACL while being restrained from attacking an umpire. After being ejected in 2002, Sweet Lou threw down his hat, kicked it, kicked dirt on the ump, ripped out first base, and threw it into right field (twice). Only one man will leave alive!

8. MINI BATTING HELMET ICE CREAM SUNDAES

9. THE SECOND COMING OF THE SECOND BASEMAN
For decades major-league second basemen have been little more than failed shortstops with anemic power, uninspiring batting averages, and moderate speed. This season, however, a new breed of 2Bs, epitomized by the Phils’ Chase Utley, is redefining the position. Last year he had 33 homers, 104 RBI, slugged .535, and according to ESPN Baseball Tonight analyst and former Mets GM Steve Phillips, he “has a chance to become the greatest second baseman ever.” Joining him in the race for that title: Boston’s Dustin Pedroia (.326 average, 118 runs), the Marlins’ Dan Uggla (32 HR, 92 RBI), and the Rangers’ Ian Kinsler (.319 average, 26 steals). Why the shift at second? “You’re seeing guys who can drive the ball,” says Phillips. And thanks to a few years of enlightened front-office philosophy—drafting actual second basemen instead of waiting to see which light-hitting shortstops need to be moved over—that’s now reflected on the field. “They may not all be physical specimens like Utley,” says Phillips, “but they’re ballplayers.”

10. THE NATIONAL PASTIME, ANYTIME
John Kruk had better put down that turkey leg and start rehearsing, because Baseball Tonight has some competition. Coming to 50 million homes in its inaugural season, the MLB Network’s MLB Tonight could be a game-changer. Every Monday to Saturday from 6 p.m. EDT until the last pitch of the night, baseball junkies will be able to mainline highlights, recaps, live look-ins, and analysis from an army of retired pros. One of them, former closer/maniac Mitch Williams, has a promise for the fans who tune in: “I’m going to be brutally honest,” he says. “Intelligent fans don’t want an analyst to sugarcoat things.” But how will the Wild Thing keep his concentration in a studio with a ridiculous 62 HD screens and a 25-foot out-of-town scoreboard that updates in real time? Apparently, that won’t be a problem: “I don’t ever concentrate anyway!”


11. THE CURIOUS CASE OF JAMIE MOYER
The Phillies hurler is 46 years old, just signed a two year contract extension, and looks like Harris from Major League. How long can he go?


12. DIAMONGDDOG MILLIONAIRES
Who knew India had such a game-show fetish? Hot on the heels of the Oscar-winning Slumdog, the Pittsburgh Pirates signed Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, two Indian Javelin throwers who had won a "Million Dollar Arm" contest. Neither had ever played baseball, let alone heard of Pittsburgh, but if they make it to the show, they are poised to make the biggest splash by an Indian since Chief Wahoo.

13. THE RISE OF THE FAT MAN
Through the '90s, stars like John Kruk and Mo Vaughn were large and in charge. But when they retired, we were left with rosters full of annoyingly trimmed-down, muscled-up ballers. This season, however, three of the best players in the bigs will be three of the bigs' biggest players. How do these heavyweights compare?

CC Sabathia: 6'7", 290 lbs.; Yearly Salary Per Pound: $79,310; Biggest Big-Man Feat: Went 11-2 with a 1.65 ERA last year to lead Milwaukee to the postseason. Fat Fact: Will be first occupant of the David Wells Memorial Double-Wide Locker.

Ryan Howard: 6'4", 256 lbs.; Yearly Salary Per Pound: $70,312; Biggest Big-Man Feat: Has averaged 51 home runs and 144 RBIs over the past three seasons. Fat Fact: In homage to Philly's own Rocky Balboa, consumes two raw chickens every morning.

Prince Fielder: 5'11", 270 lbs.; Yearly Salary Per Pound: $33,333; Biggest Big-Man Feat: Belted 50 home runs in his third season. Fat Fact: As a child, ate dad Cecil's two Silver Slugger Awards.

14. THE HILARIOUSLY CONSPICUOUS GAYNESS OF BASEBALL

15. GUILT-FREE GLUTTONY
Forget peanuts and Cracker Jack. The modern baseball stadium has become a hub of far more ambitious culinary delights. San Diego's Petco Park offers fish tacos with handmade guacamole. San Fran fans can nosh on portobello burgers and ahi tuna sandwiches at AT&T. And the Mets' new HQ may represent the apex of this trend: The Amazin's have partnered with famed restaurateur Danny Meyer to bring his celebrated Shake Shack burgers and Blue Smoke BBQ to Citi Field, as well as a taqueria, a Belgian frites stand, and ...a wine bar? Yeah. On second thought, we'll take a dirty water dog and a cold beer, please.

16. KEN GRIFFEY JR., BACK ON THE M'S

17. THE WIZARDRY OF OZZIE
Ozzie Guillen's success as a manager is indisputable. The White Sox skipper has led his team to two postseason appearances since taking over in 2004, including a World Series title in 2005. His sanity, however, is questionable—which makes him addictively entertaining. The outspoken Venezuelan is an unrepentant gaffe machine: In 2005 he introduced a friend as a child molester. In 2006 he called a Chicago Sun-Times columnist a "fag." In 2007, asked to speculate about a 20-year reunion of his world champion squad, he replied, "We're all crippled and fucked up, pushing wheelchairs, kids crying because their dad was on the ball club—fuck that." And last year he was reprimanded for keeping two naked inflatable dolls in the clubhouse, one with a sign that read, YOU'VE GOT TO PUSH! We're not even sure what that's supposed to mean, but it still made us want to take a shower.


18. CHEERLEADERS!
If you think there's no room for cheerleaders in baseball, check out the Marlin Mermaids, St. Louis' Team Fredbird, or the San Diego Pad Squad. Yeah, the Pad Squad is half-dude. Open your minds, people!

19. GRABBING BALLS
Considering what a day at the ballpark can cost, there's something to be said for a free souvenir. Just ask Zack Hample, who has shagged a shocking 3,820 balls. "When I catch one, I feel like I'm holding an object with major league DNA on it." Eww. Here, Hample's top tips for shagging balls.

Scout the pitchers: "If it's a lefty, the other manager will pack his lineup with righties. Most home runs are pulled, so it'll go to left field."

Hit batting practice: "There are fewer fans, and security isn't as strict. A lot of balls fall into the seats, and a lot of players toss balls into the crowd."

Bring disguises: "Visiting teams love to reward their fans, so wear the opponent's gear. Just prepare to be heckled.

20. ASTERISK WATCH
Now that A-Rod's confessed to using PEDs, the number of guaranteed Hall of Famers who aren't so guaranteed anymore comes to five. Who'll get in, and who'll be shut out?

Barry Bonds:  He's considered by many to be the best ever to play. But if Bonds is convicted of perjury, voters will want his giant head on a platter. Year of election: Never.

Roger Clemens: The Rocket's won more Cy Youngs than anyone else, but (like Bonds) he's kind of a dick and maybe a liar. Still, voters might be kind for fear that he'll whip a broken bat at their heads. Year of election: 2028.

Mark McGwire: His 70 HR 1998 season captured our attention. But so did his evasive Congressional testimony in 2005: "I'm not here to talk about the past." La-a-a-a-me. Year of election: 2022, by Veteran's Committee.

Sammy Sosa: His 609 career homers are sixth all-time. That he did it in the steroids era has made Sosa suspect. Still, there's no hard evidence against him. Year of election: 2018.

Alex Rodriguez: He's on track to break the home run record—cleanly, so we thought. Silly us! Still a first-balloter though. Year of election: First year of eligibility.