11. THE CURIOUS CASE OF JAMIE MOYER
The Phillies hurler is 46 years old, just signed a two year contract extension, and looks like Harris from Major League. How long can he go?

12. DIAMONDDOG MILLIONARES
Who knew India had such a game-show fetish? Hot on the heels of the Oscar-winning Slumdog, the Pittsburgh Pirates signed Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, two Indian javelin throwers who had won a “Million Dollar Arm” contest. Neither had ever played baseball, let alone heard of Pittsburgh, but if they make it to the show, they are poised to make the biggest splash by an Indian since Chief Wahoo.

13. THE RISE OF THE FAT MAN
Through the ’90s, stars like John Kruk and Mo Vaughn were large and in charge. But when they retired, we were left with rosters full of annoyingly trimmed-down, muscled-up ballers. This season, however, three of the best players in the bigs will be three of the bigs’ biggest players. How do these heavyweights compare?

14. THE HILARIOUS CONSPICUOUS GAYNESS OF BASEBALL

15. GUILT-FREE GLUTTONY
Forget peanuts and Cracker Jack. The modern baseball stadium has be­come a hub of far more ambitious culinary delights. San Diego’s Petco Park offers fish tacos with handmade guacamole. San Fran fans can nosh on portobello burgers and ahi tuna sandwiches at AT&T. And the Mets’ new HQ may represent the apex of this trend: The Amazin’s have partnered with famed restaurateur Danny Meyer to bring his celebrated Shake Shack burgers and Blue Smoke BBQ to Citi Field, as well as a taqueria, a Belgian frites stand, and…a wine bar? Yeah. On second thought, we’ll take a dirty water dog and a cold beer, please.

16. KEN GRIFFEY JR. BACK ON THE M'S

17. THE WIZARDRY OF OZZIE
Ozzie Guillen’s success as a manager is indisputable. The White Sox skipper has led his team to two postseason appearances since taking over in 2004, including a World Series title in 2005. His sanity, however, is questionable—which makes him addictively entertaining. The outspoken Venezuelan is an unrepentant gaffe machine: In 2005 he introduced a friend as a child molester. In 2006 he called a Chicago Sun-Times columnist a “fag.” In 2007, asked to speculate about a 20-year reunion of his world champion squad, he replied, “We’re all crippled and fucked up, pushing wheelchairs, kids crying because their dad was on the ball club—fuck that.” And last year he was reprimanded for keeping two naked inflatable dolls in the clubhouse, one with a sign that read, YOU'VE GOT TO PUSH! We’re not even sure what that’s supposed to mean, but it still made us want to take a shower.

18. CHEERLEADERS!
If you think there’s no room for cheerleaders in baseball, check out the Marlin Mermaids (above), St. Louis’ Team Fredbird, or the San Diego Pad Squad. Yeah, the Pad Squad is half-dude. Open your minds, people!

19. GRABBING BALLS
Considering what a day at the ballpark can cost, there’s something to be said for a free souvenir. Just ask Zack Hample, who has shagged a shocking 3,820 balls. “When I catch one, I feel like I’m holding an object with major-league DNA on it.” Eww. Here, Hample’s top tips for shagging balls.
Scout the pitchers: “If it’s a lefty, the other manager will pack his lineup with righties. Most home runs are pulled, so it’ll go to left field.”
Hit batting practice: “There are fewer fans, and security isn’t as strict. A lot of balls fall into the seats, and a lot of players toss balls into the crowd.”
Bring disguises: “Visiting teams love to reward their fans, so wear the opponent’s gear. Just prepare to be heckled.”

20. ASTERISK WATCH
Now that A-Rod’s confessed to using PEDs, the number of guaranteed Hall of Famers who aren’t so guaranteed anymore comes to five. Who’ll get in, and who’ll be shut out?
Barry Bonds: He’s considered by many to be the best ever to play. But if Bonds is convicted of perjury, voters will want his giant head on a platter.
Year of election: Never
Roger Clemens: The Rocket’s won more Cy Youngs than anyone else, but (like Bonds) he’s kind of a dick and maybe a liar. Still, voters might be kind for fear that he’ll whip a broken bat at their heads.
Year of election: 2028
Mark McGwire: His 70 HR 1998 season captured our attention. But so did his evasive Congressional testimony in 2005: “I'm not here to talk aout the past.” La-a-a-a-me.
Year of election: 2022, by Veterans’ Committee
Sammy Sosa: His 609 career homers are sixth all-time. That he did it in the steroids era has made Sosa suspect. Still, there’s no hard evidence against him.
Year of election: 2018
 Alex Rodriguez: He’s on track to break the home run record—cleanly, so we thought. Silly us! Still a first-balloter though.
Year of election: First year of eligibility