Larry Johnson, Kansas City Chiefs
Of all the potential top five picks (LaDainian Tomlinson, Frank Gore, Steven Jackson, and Brian Westbrook round out our board), LJ is the most likely to collapse. He carried the rock—that's aggresso-dork parlance for "the football"—an ungodly 416 times in 2006, which suggests that slow-blinking head coach Herm Edwards is deliberately trying to destroy him. Factor in the rapidly aging Chiefs offensive line and a training-camp holdout for more bucks (a smart one, given the abuse he endured last season and the likelihood that it will shorten his career, if not his life span), and owners would be better off investing an early first-round pick in tangerine futures.

Vince Young, Tennessee Titans
His image graces the cover of Madden NFL 08—which means that, like Madden cover boys of the past, he will suffer some kind of traumatic injury within the season's first six weeks. (Our guess: an achy-breaky shinbone.) Indeed, the Madden Curse is a more powerful force than a category-three hurricane and Beyoncé combined. Also: The Titans lack a single NFL-caliber wide receiver or running back.

Warrick Dunn, Atlanta Falcons
He's 32. He had surgery to repair a herniated disc in his back a few weeks ago. He plays for a new head coach, eliminating any loyalty-to-the-incumbent pity carries he might have received. He's being pushed by second-year quick-un Jerious Norwood. He traditionally wears down in the season's second half. His quarterback is Joey Harrington. Other than all that, Warrick Dunn would make a fine second RB for your team.

Marvin Harrison, Indianapolis Colts
His dexterity and reliability is as underrated as his sturdy mustache, which evokes fond memories of Billy Dee Williams'. Teammate Reggie Wayne looks to be Peyton Manning's new favorite option, though, plus Marv hits 35 before August is out. He has to slow down at some point, no? Old people, as has been well documented, are useless.

Jeremy Shockey, New York Giants
Look! Over here! I'm open! I'm waving my arms and making a huge spectacle of myself! Dammit, Eli! I am slamming my helmet now! I am registering my disgust very publicly! I will discuss this monumental affront after the game! Owww! Now I'm hurt again! See what you've done?!