5. Michael Vick, Atlanta Falcons (10 years, $130 million, including a $37 million signing bonus)
Say all you want about the Falcons' dysfunctional offensive philosophy, their failure to provide even C-list receiving targets, and their inability to decide whether he's a pocket passer (nuh-uh) or a running one (as anybody who's ever seen him play might attest). The bottom line is that for $37 million upfront, you'd like your franchise QB to be able to put the ball within eight feet of the receiver's hands on a simple post pattern. You'd also like him to refrain from allegedly turning one of his homes into the dogfighting equivalent of Madison Square Garden.



4. David Beckham, Los Angeles Galaxy (5 years, $250 million, which includes endorsements)
At 32, Beckham's best days are behind him, plus most American sports fans won't give a hoot about soccer unless the game perks itself up considerably (maybe they could add a second ball? seek jail time for divers?). He can yammer all he wants about becoming the soccer Jesus who awakens kids to the sport's glories, but the Galaxy ain't paying him to teach little Billy proper corner-kick technique. Unless he single-handedly gets MLS to register on the public consciousness, his deal will go down in history with Glitter and the Whitewater investigation.



3. Allan Houston, New York Knicks (6 years, $100 million)
The genius of the New York Knicks during the Scott Layden and Isiah Thomas eras has been the team's almost uncanny ability to misread every market and personnel dynamic. The Houston signing ranks as perhaps the most damning example, as the Knicks not only threw roughly $40 million more at him than any other suitor was prepared to offer, but they did so knowing that he had cellophane knees. Even when the NBA offered relief via what quickly became known as "the Allan Houston rule" (which allowed a team to take its worst contract off the books), the Knicks didn't even take advantage of it. To repeat: the Knicks didn't use its Allan Houston rule exemption on Allan Houston.

2. Larry Brown, New York Knicks (5 years, $50 million)
For $10 million and a commissioner-negotiated $18.5 million buyout after a single season, the Knicks got 23 wins and 3,237 tabloid headaches out of their brief acquaintance with the nomadic Mr. Brown. Yup.



1. Mike Hampton, Colorado Rockies (8 years, $121 million)
When Hampton left the Mets to sign with the Rockies, he cited the high quality of the Colorado public schools as a prime reason. Here's hoping his kids learned their timetables as Hampton bounced from Colorado to Florida to Atlanta, forgetting how to miss bats and losing two full seasons to injuries along the way. Even after ditching him and his 6.15 ERA after the 2002 season, the Rockies are still on the hook for his $6 million buyout in 2009…unless the Braves decide to pick up their $20 million option for that season, which ranks between a month-long solar eclipse and Subway's Jared winning a Grammy on the scale of remote possibility. Basically, Hampton's contract is to baseball what herpes is to circa-1987 barflies.