10. Notre Dame
The fighting Irish have one of the most storied programs in the country, but over the past few years they’ve nearly destroyed any cred they earned in more than a century. Since taking over as head coach in 2005, former Patriots offensive coordinator Charlie Weis has proved it’s harder to be a genius when you don’t have a clue about opposing teams’ defenses: Last year the Irish finished dead last in total offense. A schedule featuring six losing teams might allow them to eke out a bowl appearance. But no matter who they draw, we guarantee a 10th straight loss. Time to bring back Rudy?
Lowlight: The university is investigating starting QB Jimmy Clausen for an “underage drinking incident” after photos hit the Internet showing the 20-year-old toasting at a house party.
Lamest tradition: Coating each player’s helmet with paint containing real gold before each game. Hey—we’re in a recession, assholes!

9. Mississippi
Where were you when JFK died? Maybe watching Ole Miss win their last SEC title! New head coach Houston “Busta” Nutt will try to bring his winning ways from Arkansas (in 2006 the Razorbacks earned a bowl nod), but there’s only so much one man can do. Last season the Rebels went winless in the SEC for the first time since 1982 and finished with a defense ranked next to last in the conference. What happens when a team like that faces juggernauts like Florida and LSU? You’ll see point spreads even Tony Soprano couldn’t fix.
Lowlight: “Ole Miss” is a title that was commonly given to a plantation mistress, and the school’s mascot, Colonel Reb, represented a pre–Civil War plantation owner. Attention, U of Mississippi: The North won. Let’s move on.
Lamest tradition: Students decked out in their Sunday best—jackets and ties, semiformal dresses—for tailgates that include fine china and candelabras. Don’t mess your boutonnieres while doing those kegstands, kids.

8. Vanderbilt
If not for all those country singers warbling about their unfaithful wives, the Commodores would be the saddest thing in Nashville. The program with the 103rd-ranked offense (out of 119 teams) hasn’t seen a winning season since before the members of its current squad were born. You could point fingers in any direction, but we’ll aim ours at the offensive line, which has sent only two players to the NFL since 1986. This year’s outlook isn’t any better: The team replaced 13 starters.
Lowlight: In 2002 head coach Bobby Johnson outlawed cursing. Players and coaches had to choose their words carefully or else do 10 push-ups on the spot. Fuck that, Vandy!
Lamest tradition: Each year, Vanderbilt frosh meet as a class to sign a copy of the school’s honor code. The document is then displayed in the student center so kids can admire it while they give each other detailed rundowns of the essay questions on their art history exams.

7. Washington State
What happens now that star QB Alex Brink has left to get a real job with the Houston Texans? The Cougars’ no-huddle offense is left to the slow hands and even slower feet of fifth-year quarterback-slash-tackling-sled Gary Rogers. A suggestion to new head coach and alum Paul Wulff: Perhaps if you let several actual cougars loose on the field—or even a pack of sex-starved older women—you’ll have an outside shot at a few Pac-10 victories.
Lowlight: In January, Cougar safety Xavier Hicks was charged with assault for allegedly filling his roommate’s contact lens case with rubbing alcohol after the guy forgot to pay the cable bill. To be fair, who wouldn’t be devastated by a month without Larry King?
Lamest tradition: The victory bell struck after each win rings only in the keys of G and C, signifying “Go” and “Cougs.”

6. Minnesota
Let’s start with the good news: Sophomore quarterback Adam Weber set school records last year for completions, passing yards, and touchdown passes. The bad news: The 2007 Golden Gophers D notched one of the worst seasons in NCAA history, which helps explain the team’s 1-11 record. So who’d they bring in to right the ship as defensive coordinator? Ted Roof, who went 6-45 as head coach of Duke. Well, at least the people of Minnesota have other things to do when the weather gets cold besides watch football. Oh, wait…
Lowlight: Astute observers of rodentia may note that Goldy, the school mascot, bears little resemblance to an actual gopher. Why? The artist who designed it in 1940 didn’t know what gophers looked like, so he drew a squirrel.
Lamest tradition: The winner of Minnesota’s annual game against Wisconsin—the “Battle for Paul Bunyan’s Axe”—gets to lug home a useless, ornamental six-foot hatchet. Fun!