THE BAD

Most Unnecessary Side Job
We thought we’d go our whole lives without seeing Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban do a mambo in a sleeveless shirt, but that hope was shattered when he appeared on Dancing With the Stars. We asked the NBA renegade about wiping the floor with Wayne Newton.
Q: Please rate your performance.
A: Much better than expected.
Q: Would you like one last chance to rub it in to Newton that you beat him?
A: No, Wayne is a great guy. But I do let Floyd [Mayweather] know who was better every time I see him. OK, maybe not every time, because he would beat my ass.
Q: What was your favorite ridiculous shimmery outfit?
A: What I wore when I danced the jive—kind of a ’40s look. Watch for it at a Mavs game!

MORE LOWS

The Seattle Sonics are shipped off to Oklahoma City, renamed the Thunder, and given the sorriest logo in the NBA. Parachute jumpers looking to pump up a college football crowd land in the wrong stadium. Sorry, UNC! The city of Miami considers un-naming Jose Canseco Street. Champion bull “Big Bucks” is tested for steroids, scandalizing the rodeo world. Al Davis’ bizarre press conference lambasting fired Raiders coach Lane Kiffin. The disgusting (yet catchy!) refrain of Shaq’s freestyle rap after the NBA finals: “Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes.

Cheatiest Cheaters
First the Chinese jailed protesters before the Olympics. Then, at the 0pening ceremonies, they digitally enhanced fireworks and replaced a homely seven-year-old singer with a cute little lip-syncher. But when they trotted out a women’s gymnastics team full of prepubescent freaks, the world was finally forced to call bullshit.

Weakest Trash Talk
“I’ll be in the winner’s circle when they get to the quarter pole.” So promised Big Brown’s trainer, Rick Dutrow Jr., before the “foregone conclusion” of a win at the Belmont Stakes and the first Triple Crown since 1978. Instead, his star colt finished dead last—with nary an injury to blame.

Most Delayed Reaction
October 14, 2003: Steve Bartman seemingly knocks a foul ball from the glove of Moises Alou during the 2003 NLCS. The governor of Illinois seriously suggests he enter witness protection.
April 1, 2008: Alou muses, “You know what the funny thing is? I wouldn’t have caught it anyway.” Hilarious!

Stickiest Fingers
Angered over being cut by the Detroit Lions (apparently someone actually wants to play for them), running back Tatum Bell took the next logical step and swiped the luggage of his replacement, Rudi Johnson—in front of a security camera!

Most Impressive Waste of Money
When a Red Sox–worshiping construction worker buried a David Ortiz jersey in the foundation of their new stadium, the Yankees had two choices: (1) Ignore it. (2) Hold a five-hour, $50,000 “excavation ceremony” to dig it up. Guess which one they chose.

Best Use of Irony
The NBA’s Rookie Transition Program teaches fresh-faced innocents about the perils of drugs and groupies. Apparently, Mario Chalmers and Darrell Arthur weren’t taking notes. Hotel security busted the pair in a room with at least two women, the smell of pot, and someone locked in the bathroom repeatedly flushing the toilet.

Most Exciting Moment in Baseball That Never Happened
The Seattle Mariners proved they aren’t fans of girl-on-girl action when Sirbrina Guerrero and her partner were asked to leave Safeco Field for “making out.” Bigots!

Media Sensitivity Award
First Golf Channel anchor Kelly Tilghman said the only way Tiger Woods’ opponents could stop him would be to “lynch him.” Then Golfweek smartly reported on the controversy...with a cover shot of a noose. Tasteful!

Dumbest Reason To Go To Court
What’s worse: legally changing your name to Ocho Cinco or forbidding Chad John-er, Ocho Cinco—from putting that name on his jersey until the NFL’s inventory of Johnson jerseys sells out? (c) Being a Bengals fan.


The Good | The Bad | The Ugly