THE UGLY

Worst Impression
Before Spain’s men’s basketball team took off for the Olympics in Beijing, the country’s Basketball Federation published a “good luck advertisement” in newspapers, featuring a photo of the entire team (including Lakers star and Spanish national Pau Gasol) making slanty eyes with their index fingers. (Get it?) Later, photos were uncovered of the women’s basketball team and the country’s Federation Cup tennis team posing the exact same way. You stay classy, Spain.

MORE UGLINESS

Filly Eight Belles is put down at the track after breaking her front ankles in the Kentucky Derby. A Philadelphia man tries to extort Tom Coughlin by threatening to tell his wife about a fake affair involving two women in a hotel room. [Shudder] A Wrigley Field–themed cemetery, complete with scoreboard and ivy-covered brick wall, is born. Cubs’ Series hopes buried there. Herschel Walker’s autobiography reveals he has multiple personalities and used to play Russian roulette. Does not explain why he kind of sucked in the NFL.

Worst Sportsmanship
After he was disqualified in the bronze-medal tae kwon do match, Cuban Olympian Angel Matos chased down referee Chakir Chelbat and kicked him in the face. An announcer noted that the move was “a strong violation of the spirit of tae kwon do,” which is more about kicking the crap out of people.

Most Disturbing Team-Building Exercise
With the glorious sheen on that mustache, it’s easy to forget the other weapon in Jason Giambi’s slump-busting arsenal: a gold lamé thong. The glimmering banana-hugger worked so well, Giambi even shared it with underperforming teammates like Johnny Damon and Derek Jeter.

Most Egregious Misuse of Facial Hair
Washington Wizards guard DeShawn Stevenson (left) defeated pal Drew Gooden of the Cleveland Cavaliers in an epic, kind-of-gross-to-look-at beard-growing contest that lasted the entire NBA season.

Geekiest Reaction to an Injury
Tom Brady’s knee injury had major implications in the fantasy world. Estimates say the Pats star’s torn ligaments could take $150 million in winnings out of the pockets of fantasy owners who selected the dreamy QB instead of a top-flight running back. Still no word on how it impacts the Dungeons & Dragons market.

Most Bizarre Hire
Ashton Kutcher: prankster, cougar lover...football coach? Last summer the actor began moonlighting as an assistant for the freshman team at L.A.’s ritzy Harvard-Westlake School. How many times a day do you think they asked him, “Dude, where’s your car?”

Sorest Crotches
This season the bigs saw some big injuries. First there was Astros second baseman Kaz Matsui, who underwent surgery for an anal fissure (a tear in the lining of the lower rectum). Then Diamondbacks catcher Chris Snyder hit the 15-day DL with a fractured left testicle after taking a foul ball to the nuts. Commence crossing legs…now!

Irritatingest Drama
Hear anything about Brett Favre during the NFL off-season? No? Allow us to summarize for you:
March 6: Favre officially retires.
March 24: Favre asks the Pack’s offensive line coach if he thinks the team would take him back. Second thoughts are normal!
March 29: After the Packers happily agree to arrange for Favre’s unretirement, he says he’s not interested after all. Psych!
June 20: Commence clusterfuck. Favre calls Packers coach Mike McCarthy and says he might want to return. Seriously.
July 8: Favre is told that he can come back, but no longer as the guaranteed starter. Favre’s agent asks for Brett’s unconditional release.
July 26: McCarthy states that Aaron Rodgers will definitely be the Packers’ starting quarterback. Rodgers continues to stab his Favre voodoo doll with pins.
August 3: Favre returns to Green Bay to watch a scrimmage from a luxury box. The entire state of Wisconsin collectively orgasms.
August 6: Favre is traded to the New York Jets. Rodgers mails his Favre voodoo doll to Chad Pennington.