I’m not sure what it is about baseball that makes its players and managers lose their crap on a regular basis. Nonetheless, we’re fortunate as a society that many of their rants have somehow been preserved for future generations, like the filthy, bizarro-world version of Lou Gehrig’s epic “I am the luckiest man on the face of the earth” speech. Warning: lotsa salty language to follow.
This exchange between salty Orioles skipper Earl Weaver and an unidentified umpire isn’t as notable for the quality of its repartee (“you ain’t no good!”) as for the fact that the ump gets in all the good lines. Weaver yells himself hoarse; the umpire parries his yelps with a combination of bemusement and annoyance, reacting as one might to a petulant child.
Power quote: “You’re gonna be in the Hall of Fame? Why? For fucking up the World Series?”
Wellman, who manages the minor-league Mississippi Braves, didn’t agree with a call and the umpire’s subsequent decision to evict him from the game. The tantrum that follows is one part performance art and two parts blind-rage lunacy. You gotta respect the meticulousness with which Wellman covers home plate with dirt, though.
Power quote: “&$#%@!!!” (Presumably, anyway.)
Tommy Lasorda, “Angry About Pitcher”
Heaven knows who brought a tape recorder to the mound during Game 4 of the 1977 World Series, but that individual is responsible for capturing one of the most enduring nuggets of foul-mouthed baseball ephemera. In it, Dodgers skipper Tommy Lasorda, known primarily as a lovable F.O.S. (Friend of Sinatra) and Weight Watchers devotee, rips into lefty Doug Rau about his inability to pitch up to acceptable standards. It wasn’t the last time Lasorda would be caught on tape, but it remains the gold standard for surreptitiously captured mound moments.
Power quote: “He can’t get the left-handers out, for Christ al-fucking-mighty.”
Dick Howser, “Upset About Characterization”
We’re not privy to what set off Royals legend Dick Howser, but it had something to do with an umpire unleashing a barb of some sort about his team. Best guess: the ump failed to commend the team on its elegant use of the hit-and-run.
Power quote: “I don’t want the worst umpire in the league telling me where we are in the standings!”
What is it with Royals managers and lose-yourself tantrums? McRae’s might be the most famous, in that it arrived at a time when SportsCenter had infiltrated the public consciousness. Many, many replays followed, few complimentary of the skipper’s phone-throwing techniques.
Power quote: “Put that in your fucking pipe and smoke it!” Oh, snap!
Ozzie Guillen, “I Dislike Jay Mariotti”
We can’t condone the epithets—there’s no place for slurs, in baseball or anywhere else—but the sentiment couldn’t possibly be more on target. Former Chicago Sun-Times columnist Mariotti lobbed his idiot grenades from afar, and the terrifyingly blunt Chisox manager Guillen was well within his rights to call the writer out on it. The amazing thing about this rant? That most media folks dislike Mariotti so much that they let Ozzie slide on the language.
Power quote: “He’s sort of afraid to show up at the ballpark… I think I made this guy a lot of money and he’s famous. If not for Ozzie Guillen, no one would have heard of him.”
Lee Elia, “Upset By Lack Of Fan Support”
The 1983 Cubs got off to a slow start. At the end of April, following a one-run loss to the Dodgers, reporters asked Chicago manager Lee Elia what he thought about the booing and negative media reports. Elia responded. Oh man, he responded. They’re still writing stories about this one, 26 years after the fact. Elia was axed at the end of the 1983 season, but Cubbie officials swear it had nothing to do with this fan-unfriendly rant (cough! cough!).
Power quote: “The motherfuckers don’t even work! That’s why they’re out at the game!... Eighty-five percent of the fucking world’s working, the other 15 percent come out here!”
Leyland’s calm voice barely betrays his utter pissed-off-edness at players who talk out of order and/or air a team’s dirty laundry. While the words say WHITE HOT BURNING ANGER KILL KILL KILL, the delivery is so dry and reasoned that, by the time he has wrapped things up, the surrounding reporters are laughing along with him. Leyland is the cool, nutty baseball uncle any of us would be fortunate to have.
Power quote: “Jason Grilli’s not here any longer because Jason Grilli didn’t pitch very good under pressure situations… If Jason Grilli had done a better job, he’d still be here… Look in the fuckin’ mirror.”