PERFORMERS
|
| Skating |
Stripping |
| Rich, 16-year-old girls who look like junior high boys |
Poor, 40-something women who lost their virginity in junior high |
| Advantage: Stripping |
COSTUMES
|
| Skating |
Stripping |
| Tight, sequined outfits designed to produce cleavage |
N/A |
| Advantage: Stripping |
VENUE
|
| Skating |
Stripping |
| New, multi-million-dollar arena with a shimmering ice rink beside an opera house |
Neon-lit, strip-mall cubby with dirt floor beside a chicken farm |
| Advantage: Skating |
MUSIC
|
| Skating |
Stripping |
| Third movement from obscure classical concerto written by dead Romanian |
B-side from Led Zeppelin III written by someone who choked on his own vomit¿or any of these songs |
| Advantage: Stripping |
RETIREMENT PLAN
|
| Skating |
Stripping |
| Graduating high school, MCing Disneyland parades, realizing your life peaked at 17 |
Serving 10-15 after getting pinched funding meth habit via backroom BJs |
| Advantage: Skating |
SCANDAL
|
| Skating |
Stripping |
| Thugs supporting Tanya Harding take out rival Nancy Kerrigan days before the '94 trials |
She doesn't actually want to go home with you |
| Advantage: Skating |
SIGNATURE MOVE
|
| Skating |
Stripping |
| Jumping, spinning in the air, and landing on one foot |
Jumping, spinning down a pole, and landing on your lap |
| Advantage: Stripping |
JUDGES
|
| Skating |
Stripping |
| An uptight Frenchman bribed by the Russian mob into docking points for slipping |
Greased-up Russian mobsters dropping singles for nip slipping |
| Advantage: Stripping |
TEAMMATE
|
| Skating |
Stripping |
| Out-of-the-closet Canadian who waxes his chest |
Lipstick lesbian who waxes everything |
| Advantage: Stripping |
And the Winner is¿
MAXIM ONLINE'S OLYMPIC INVASION
|
 Viewer's Guide
What to watch and what to avoid like the Summer Olympics.
 Drinking Game
Enjoy the 2006 Games by getting drunker than Bode Miller.
 Stripping vs. Skating
One's a carefully choreographed routine, the other's an Olympic sport.
 King of the Mountain
The best American skier since, well, ever, Bode Miller.
 Maxim Intern Olympics
Our one event with two competitors and no medals is still better than figure skating.
|
The nearly-naked performers dress down the ice queens, 6¿3, in the battle for sporting legitimacy.
