Fan-demonium

You don't want to see what he did with his pubes.

The shocking deaths of two fans electrocuted when their flag pole hit a power line (geddit? "Shocking?" …Is this blog on?) should cause all members of the NASCAR nation to pause and reflect. No, not about the fleeting nature of life and the cruel randomness of death, but the need for NASCAR fans to come up with more creative—and safer—ways to support their drivers.

Any boob with $19.99 and a lack of sophistication can slap some "24" stickers on the back of his car, fly a Dale Jarrett flag, and punch a 160-pound weenie while screaming, "Free Jimmy Spencer!" It takes a fan with real dedication make his love for his favorite quasi-athlete/product pitchman stand out above all others.

So here is my challenge to you, America: Don't settle for second-rate support that any Johnny-come-lately California NASCAR fan can match. Take it to the next level.

Don't buy yet another No. 8 die-cast car. Be a real fan and repaint your Monte Carlo with the exact Budweiser paint scheme (bonus points for having every special paint scheme ready for race day).

Ditch your old Kyle Petty T-shirts in favor of a full upper-torso tattoo expressing your love of the Petty family, Dodge, and ponytails.

Face paint washes off—your dedication shouldn't. Gouge your face with an air gun until your mug scares just as many children as Ricky Craven on the Jumbotron.

NASCAR needs more fans who put their drivers before their own self-respect. It's what separates stock car supporters from more passive fans, like soccer hooligans. So get out there and show your NASCAR love in creative ways. It's not just the right thing to do. It could also save your life.