Fantasy Report

Racing Ruminations

Any hack columnist can predict the top five Subway 500 finishers. I predict the top five and the guy who will finish 17th!

LAST WEEK Top five: 3/5 17th: 0–1

SEASON Top five: 48/155 17th: 1–31

1. Kevin Harvick

2. Dale Earnhardt Jr.

3. Tony Stewart

4. Jeff Burton

5. Jeff Gordon

17. Matt Kenseth

Before you set your fantasy lineup for this week’s race, I’ve got some last-minute fantasy advice for you. Want to know what third tier driver is going to finish in the top 10? I got nothing. But I do have a glimpse into the creepy stuff that a NASCAR fan envisions while watching his or her favorite driver. I crank up my mind-reading device to show you the thoughts and fantasys of select fans:

Kasey Kahne—Oh, Kasey. You’re so dreamy. I want to get lost in the sea of your eyes and swim in your beauty. Can I touch your hair? (The really scary part? This was the mind of a dude.)

Jeff Gordon—Hey, pass me another wine spritzer. Do you think Jeff can beat the race this week? How do you like these new shoes? I got them on sale last weekend. Has the race started yet? What? It’s Monday? Well, I am sure Jeff won yesterday then.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.—Whoooo! Junior! Greatest driver ever! All the other drivers SUCK! Hendrick Motorsports drivers are all GAY! Whooooo! Huh? What? No Mom, I’ll clean my room later! I’ll do my homework after the race! Mom, please? Come on. It’s not fair!

Jeff Green—… … … (What do you really think there are any Jeff Green fans?)

Mark Martin—Down in front! Damn kids keeping jumping up in front of me when I am trying to watch the race. These new fans don’t even know what a track bar is. I wish they would run races at South Boston. That was a real track. Not like these boring new tracks like New Hampshire. What? No, Nurse. It is NOT time for my nap, damnit!