Divisional Playoffs: Sunday
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| I figured you needed something good to look at after last week's games. |
Pittsburgh at Indianapolis
Steelers' Key to Victory: Don't Play the Colts
Pittsburgh's been playing really well as of late, but if they could just come together as a team, dig deep down and find a way to not play Indianapolis, then they'll have a really good chance of moving onto the next round. And I think the Steelers can pull this one off. The Bus is playing well, Big Ben is throwing the ball well and their defense is stopping everyone. They've got a great shot at winning if they could somehow pull themselves together and give 110% to reach the common goal of playing any team not named the Colts this Sunday.
Colts' Key To Victory: Hike The Ball
Hey Peyton, hike the goddamn ball. Stop yapping to your wide receivers and flapping your arms at the defensive ends. The play clock is about to run out and the only way you can lose this one is if you get 10 delay of game penalties on every drive. So, enough with the chatter, say "hike" and throw the goddamn ball to Marvin. Hurry it up so you can lose to the Pats next week.
Game Ball Goes To: Brandon Stokely
Just kidding, it's Peyton Manning. Peyton's gotten over the psychological hump of the playoffs and he'll be his usual touchdown-heaving, screen pass-tossing, handing-off handjob that we're all used to.
Game's Balls Go To: Joey Porter
I have to admit, I really like Joey Porter's recent quotes in the press that insinuated the Colts played football because they relied more on finesse than hitting people. Joey's like that big, oafish bully who makes fun of the class nerd for getting A's on his report card. Then, years later, when the nerd becomes a wealthy businessman, he has enough money to put a mob hit out on the bully in a stroke of sweet revenge. This Sunday is going to be the mob hit.
Final Score: Colts 28 Steelers 16
Carolina at Chicago
Carolina's Key to Victory: Score One Point
If they can figure out a way to kick an extra point without having to score a touchdown, that may be enough to seal the victory. The Bears aren't going to outscore your mom (unless your name is Francis Bean Cobain) so the Panthers should capitalize on any chance they have to get points. Whether it's a field goal, a field goal, or two field goals, Carolina really needs to make sure they kick as many field goals as they can.
Chicago's Key to Victory: Take A Knee On Every Offensive Play
Instead of turning the ball over or losing more yards than they need to, Chicago's offense should do the right thing and take a knee on every down, punt the ball away and let their defense put some points on the board. Even Ray Charles can see that Nathan Vasher has a better chance of getting in the end zone than Generation Rex does.
Game Ball Goes To: Whichever Kicker Wins It
John Kasay or Robbie Gould. I might as well flip a coin. Or a turd, shaped like a coin.
Game's Balls Go To: The Viewers
Sorry folks, but this game will be your last memory of football all week. I'm sorry for such a harsh punishment, but go to your room and think about what you did to deserve this. And if you apologize, then maybe I'll think about giving you the Patriots and Colts next week. But if you're bad, it's going to be the Bears verses the Redskins. Now go to your room and think about what you've done.
Final Score: Bears 13 Panthers 10