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 | | our flight was late getting in, explaining the very conspicuous absence of mayor abernathy and clemson's auxiliary marching band. |
this is the boy they sent to meet us at greenville-spartanburg international airport. seriously, who the fuck is making greenville their international gateway to america?
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 | | these were our lodgings: an apartment near the stadium ordinarily occupied by 19-year-old clemson kids forced from their own rooms because of us. |
this was the mountainous swell of dirty clothing occupying the majority of our technical director's room. we found half-eaten food underneath it. |
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 | | if the custom-built beer pong table in the dining room doesn't tip you off that you're in a college apartment, these showroom-empty cupboards should leave no question. |
after two hours of beer pong, we were champing at the bit to do some drinking. so we hit our new favorite bar, tiger town. these shirts on the ceiling have aids. |
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 | | this is our developer, matt. he nearly died in september due to liver complications that are supposed to prohibit him from drinking until march. know anyone looking for a developer job? |
on return, our technical director found the occupant of his room unconscious on the floor. we later learned that the brown stains on the seat of his pants were ice cream sandwiches he'd pocketed before passing out. makes you miss the functional retardation of college, doesn't it folks?
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 | | game day began with the traditional pursuit of college merchandise. this place looked like a suitable establishment… |
…that is, until we saw this place right next door. awfully coincidental, unless you look immediately left… |
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 | | this is getting to be ri-goddamned-diculous. but we wanted merch, and spotted some cool looking clemson stuff…er…at another fan store directly across the street… |
christ, do the residents of clemson derive nourishment from 50/50 poly/cotton blends? turns out this was only the beginning… |
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 | | this time, we had to walk three full storefronts from the greek gallery to reach judge keller's, the best of the 75,000 clemson gear shops contained in just this one-block radius… |
i've never encountered an entire municipal economy predicated solely on college merchandise. i'm pretty sure this is going to be america's next economic bubble.
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 | | whoops. make that 75,001. forgot this place. |
after four hours spent shopping for a merchandise store, and another 10 minutes actually shopping within that store, we were ready to head to memorial stadium. totally disappointed in clemson's cheerleaders. |
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 | | game time. the next 25 seconds are pretty much the only reason i took this trip. |
after rubbing howard's rock, 100 ape-crap football players burst through a parted sea of students down the hill toward the field. standing on that hill for an entire game, by the way, is like trying to balance on the front tips of a pair of skis for four hours. |
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 | | this was the sucky game. georgia tech's equipment manager evidently forgot to pack the team's nut sacks. |
we'll never forget you, purdue—sorry, clemson. |
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if you'd like maxim (i.e., me and two douchebags from our tech department) to visit your campus, drop me a line and i'll ridicule your invite in an upcoming column! |
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