5. Ken “Hawk” Harrelson, Chicago White Sox
There’s a big difference between benign homer announcers (Phil Rizzuto and Harry Caray) and noxious, self-important blowhards like Harrelson, who basically disappears when the Sox are down. Pop quiz: Which of the following is not a vaguely suggestive-sounding mainstay from the Hawk’s canon of cliché?

a. “Sit back, relax, and strap it down!”
b. “Let’s do some chunkin’!”
c. “Snap it like you meant it!”
d. “He’s getting ridden hard and put away wet!”


4. David Cone, YES Network
He’s fairly new to this broadcasting thing, as witnessed by this clip in which he worries about Yankees rookie Ian Kennedy getting “jerked off” in the bull pen. Cone is already on track to join YES Network predecessor David Justice as the only English-language baseball commentators whose broadcasts demand subtitles.

3. Eric Byrnes, Fox
Byrnes still concentrates on his day job with the Diamondbacks, for which he slides into everything—first base, the left-field wall, the dugout sauna—headfirst, regardless of the circumstance. Nonetheless, during his occasional studio appearances for Fox, he's filled the “character/cognitively impaired retard” role filled by Terry Bradshaw on the network’s NFL studio show. He didn’t comb his hair. He riffed on dogs swimming after errant baseballs. If we don’t stop him now, he’ll be as ubiquitous as John Kruk within five years.

2. Joe Morgan, ESPN
At this point, it almost feels like it's piling on. The contradictions (his I-love-him-I-love-him-not flirtation with Barry Bonds), the misremembered anecdotes (his assertion that his first hit triggered the Phillies' collapse in 1964, when his first hit came a season earlier), the misrepresentations (though to be fair, he finally seems to realize that Billy Beane did not, in fact, author Moneyball), etc. Those aside, his greatest sin is a simple refusal to acknowledge that the way he approaches the game may not be the only one. One might cite statistics, for instance, or attempt to familiarize one's self with non-star players. Work with us, fella.


1. Chip Caray, TBS
What we love about Caray is the seeming pride he takes in his ignorance, as outlined in this New York Times takedown. There are licensing exams for professions ranging from medicine to stonemasonry. Would it be too much to ask our baseball announcers to undergo similarly formal certification procedures?


(answer to Harrelson quiz: c)