3. David Eckstein (Toronto Blue Jays)
Wait, he actually plays in the games? You don't say. For all the talk about the effort Eckstein exerts, the energy he exudes, and the hope he gives to future generations of runt-bag jocks, we assumed he was either a stuffed animal or media-manufactured fodder for old, nostalgic white fans.

2. Screech (Washington Nationals)
We get it: Washington, D.C., is ground zero for American ideals, so an eagle makes sense. Yet the Nats have constructed an elaborate backstory around him involving the discovery of an egg at the stadium site and the fight to keep it away from local conservationists. That's the kind of prank the jihadists would pull.

1. Wally the Green Monster (Boston Red Sox)
As promotions-department-fabricated legend has it, this cheap Grimace knockoff has been residing inside the Green Monster since 1947, subsisting on a diet of discarded peanut shells and weeping silently whenever Manny Ramirez unleashes a torrent of urine on his foot during pitching changes.