Let’s face it, your fantasy baseball draft didn’t go as well as you would’ve liked. Really, you can’t be blamed. There was pizza involved and then the resulting digestive challenges. Happily, the season is still young, leaving you plenty of time to deal these big-name, high-round busts-to-be for lesser-known hurlers and batsmiths. Get right on that, will you?
Derek Jeter, New York Yankees: We’re not casting aspersions on Cap’n Handsome so much as pointing out that he’s merely a slightly above-average offensive player at his position, as opposed to Jehovah in eye black. Last year, eight shortstops hit more dingers and 11 stole more bases. Of course, if your league awards points for starlet-squiring or rescuing baby kittens from raging infernos, please disregard this advice.
Instead try… Stephen Drew, Arizona Diamondbacks. Did you see what he did in the second half of 2008? No? Then heck to Betsy,
click here to take a look. Seriously, do this now, before the rest of your league catches on. Hie! Mush! Hie!
Trevor Hoffman, Milwaukee Brewers: Class, courage, decency, determination… there is no place for any of these things in fantasy baseball. Hoffman’s change-up hits 72 mph on the radar gun and his fastball hits 80. Unless the latter ticks up by five or six mph, he’s gonna get disemboweled.
Instead try… Matt Capps, Pittsburgh Pirates. He might pitch for the baseball equivalent of the Washington Generals, but the guy throws strikes. He also looks like a closer: tall, righty, decidedly non-svelte. Aside from the great Mariano Rivera, can you name a single elite closer able to hide behind a lamppost? Didn’t think so.
David Ortiz, Boston Red Sox: The gregarious big fella remains an ideal choice to emcee your charity function. As a rotisserie-baseball asset, however, his extinction event came when the Sawx traded his partner in pitcher-persecution Manny Ramirez. Big Papi’s dinger and RBI totals have declined for three years running, plus his inability to play the field means that he clogs your lineup’s DH/utility slot.
Instead try… Nelson Cruz, Texas Rangers. He’ll put up big numbers, thanks to the Rangers’ dainty, offense-simpatico home park. Along those lines, if you want to sound smart around hard-core baseball fans, say the following: “Rangers Ballpark in Arlington, or whatever the hell they’re calling it nowadays, is more of a hitters’ haven than Coors Field.” You’ll be their new BFF in no time at all.
Ivan Rodriguez, Houston Astros: Pudge has terrific name recognition among mainstreamers. Then again, so do Charo and Corey Haim. Alas, the guy won’t take a walk and the years (and possibly alleged chemical de-enhancements) have sapped him of his power and speed. Watching Rodriguez play now is akin to watching a circa-1989
Sports Illustrated swimsuit model lobby for a
Playboy spread: the overall effect can only be measured in degrees of sad.
Instead try… Chris Iannetta, Colorado Rockies. If you play fantasy baseball and aren’t familiar with this bat-wielding backstop, you oughta find a new leisure pursuit. May we suggest Connect Four?
Oliver Perez, New York Mets: His early struggles have been blamed on his participation in the World Baseball Classic, as opposed to his conditioning (“lumpy” is the operative word here) or his noggin (he can be baseball’s best and worst pitcher, oftentimes in the same inning). Given that the Mets removed his incentive to excel via a three-year, $36 million contract, Perez has instill-in-his-owners-a-persecution-complex potential. He’s just as likely to disable himself in a violent skirmish with a laundry cart, as he did a few years back, as ring up 200 Ks.
Instead try… Chris Volstad, Florida Marlins. You don’t know who he is, do you? Look down south on the map, for the tall guy with a veritable cornucopia of darting, diving and breaking stuff. Feel free to drop my name.
Ken Griffey Jr., Seattle Mariners: We love nostalgia as much as the next guy, as witnessed by our recent eBay purchase of the complete
Empty Nest (director’s cut) on VHS. But prodigal-son sap aside, Griffey hasn’t notched 600 healthy at-bats in a season since 1999. The easiest way to identify your league’s dumbass? It’s the guy with Griffey and the other years-ago all-stars (Dontrelle Willis, Omar Vizquel, Brad Ausmus) on his squad. That’s the dude you want as your regular trading partner.
Instead try… Billy Butler, Kansas City Royals. Hulk smash! Hulk smash! Hulk hurt self when Hulk play defense, so Hulk stay at DH for Hulk’s own safety!
David Price, Tampa Bay Rays: Price will be a great pitcher for a long, long time. Do note, however, the future verb tense in that last sentence: the ETA for his greatness is TBD, because of the Rays’ desire to protect the health of their greatest long-term asset and to keep his MLB service time (which dictates how much he has to be paid) down. Also, let’s be honest: just about everything went right for the Rays in 2008. What are the odds that fate deals them the same hand in ’09?
Instead try… Zack Greinke, Kansas City Royals. He has tamed the mental hiccups that temporarily put his career on the endangered-species list. We [heart] post-hype young aces, so add
Clay Buchholz (Boston),
Phil Hughes (New York Yankees) and
Homer Bailey (Cincinnati) to the list alongside Greinke.
Cole Hamels, Philadelphia Phillies: Handsome, kind and damaged – just the way the ladies like ‘em. Given the very real possibility his left elbow ain’t right, that guest-star arc during May sweeps on
Gossip Girl might still be a possibility.
Instead try… Sean Marshall, Chicago Cubs. He increased his strikeout rate in 2008 and throws for a team that’ll back him with a lotsa runs. Remember, though, that any owner attempting a witty-historian joke about following the “Marshall Plan” is subject to a severe throat-punching or similar reprisals.
