After footage of Howard Stern consort Gary Dell’Abate’s ceremonial first pitch at a recent Mets game flooded the Internet, we got to thinkin’: Was this the worst one yet? Upon doing our research, however, we realized that 72,000 people had already weighed in on this very question. In the process, most respondents abused that most forgiving of punctuation marks, the exclamation point.

This ain’t fair and it ain’t right and it ain’t fair. Mariah Carey is known for gently rhythmic songsmithery. Annika Sorenstam is known for her four-iron. Cincinnati mayor Mark Mallory is known for… uh, zoning, maybe? Throwing things is not their business—unless the concert venue neglects to stock Mariah’s dressing room with 12 different brands of sparkling water, in which case the pitching of a fit is well-justified.

Then there are the corporate types. Do you think Mr. Vice President of Affiliate Marketing at an obscure Procter & Gamble subsidiary that caters to caterers wanted the responsibility that comes with throwing out the first pitch at a big-league game, a task for which his education and professional training leaves him woefully unprepared? Do you think he wants to expose himself and future generations of Vice Presidents of Affiliate Marketing to the ridicule that comes with launching a first pitch that touches down 25 feet in front of home plate? Of course not.

We’re here, then, to defend some of the efforts that have been labeled woeful in less sensitive corners of the web. Don’t be a hater.


GARY "BABA BOOEY" DELL'ABATE, producer/sidekick, The Howard Stern Show, May 9, 2009 at CitiField


The pitch: A fastball that sailed high and way, way outside, unless the batter was King Kong Bundy or a Golem.

Mitigating factor: It wasn’t a fastball that got away from him. No, it was a statement pitch, aimed to send a message to the corporate weasel who had the temerity to crowd home plate. Nobody leans over the plate when Baba Booey is on the hill. That plate is his.

Generous grade: B


MARK MALLORY, mayor of Cincinnati, April 2, 2007 at Great American Ballpark


The pitch: A sinker that was heavy on the sink and light on the initial flight.

Mitigating factor: He’d been up late the night before dealing with a parking-permit kerfuffle. Plus, he was throwing to Eric Davis, a Cincy athletic legend who makes grown men feel like the baseball-card-hoarding little twerps they once were.

Generous grade: B-minus


MARIAH CAREY, pop tart, May 28, 2008 at the Tokyo Dome

Mariah Carey First Pitch - Watch more Funny Videos
The pitch: A shotput of sorts, likely birthed as either a slider or an eww-get-this-away-from-me rejection!

Mitigating factor: You try throwing a baseball while wearing 13-inch heels and shorts that are nipping at your keester, mister. Also, the P.A. system was playing a Whitney Houston song.

Generous grade: B-minus


DOCILE T-REX, extinct species, August 11, 2008 at Nü Comiskey Park

The pitch: A curve that bent north/south rather than east/west.

Mitigating factor: T-Rexes have really, really short arms—why, they’re practically nonexistent. Also, if Jurassic Park has taught us anything (and clearly it has), those arms are mostly used for tearing the flesh off wayward dino-amusement-park moguls.

Generous grade: B-plus


EDDIE VEDDER, Wrigley, August 3, 2007


The pitch: High heat that reached the catcher’s mitt without making a pit-stop in the dirt.

Mitigating factor: None. His pitch might have arrived outside the strike zone, but it didn’t force the catcher to wander down the first-base line to retrieve it. The audacity!

Generous grade: F-minus… no, make that a G-plus


ANNIKA SORENSTAM, golf legend, July 22, 2008 at Shea Stadium


The pitch: An eephus pitch gone awry, as if thrown by a left-hander using her right hand.

Mitigating factor: Sorenstam is used to concentrating on the rotation of her hips and keeping her head down. Neither action figures into a pitcher’s windup, unless that pitcher is a herky-jerky, do-the-hokey-pokey mechanical train wreck like Dontrelle Willis.

Generous grade: A-minus


PATRICK SHARP, Chicago Blackhawks right winger, September 10, 2008 at Nü Comiskey Park (go to the 1:20 mark)

The pitch: Rising heat, propelled mitt-ward from the ground.

Mitigating factor: He used a hockey stick, an implement unfamiliar to a majority of Americans since NHL commish Gary Bettman made the dumbass move of shifting nationally televised games onto Versus.

Generous grade: A


DICK CHENEY, former Vice President, undisclosed secure location beneath 20 tons of plutonium-resistant concrete (OK, fine, April 11, 2006 at Nationals Park)


The pitch: [redacted]

Mitigating factor: Cheney accepted his limitations as a hurler and made his throw from about five feet in front of the hill. That’s so unlike a Bush administration official to take a shortcut.

Generous grade: B


REGIS PHILBIN, talk-show host/unrepentant pitchman, May 4, 2009 at Land Shark Stadium (or whatever they’re calling it nowadays)


The pitch: A meticulously practiced cutter, with a 45-second-long wind-up that would’ve been nirvana to would-be base stealers.

Mitigating factor: Reeg didn’t try to sell us anything or lobby for another hosting gig while throwing it.

Generous grade: B-plus