We’ve long supported a proposed constitutional amendment that mandates jail time for any hardhead who stalls a baseball game by running onto the field, and believe the following video evidence makes our case more eloquently than any buttoned-up testimony could. Nonetheless, we feel obligated to point out what the fence-hoppers are doing right and what they’re doing wrong.

Mind your blind side. Just as the nine fielders must remain cognizant of their location vis-à-vis their teammates, so too should the field-rusher be wary of thick-torso’d security goons approaching from his far left flank. The fans roared louder at the shoulder-meets-moron contact than they did when the Sox won.

Pick your spot. The final game at Yankee Stadium, which was policed by roughly 9,200 of the NYPD’s finest, is not the time to unveil your field-invading skills to the world. Police brutality never seemed so just.

Don’t forget your second wind. Nobody at the Tigers game—the players, the security staff, the organist—really seems to care about this trespasser until he turns the jets back on for a second dash. Then they get pissed. Bonus points here for the on-point fan commentary (“Beat him with a club!”).

Don’t fight it. One way or another, they’re going to get the handcuffs on your squirmy ass. Just relax and minimize your chances of separating a shoulder or prompting Mr. Happy to give his baton a workout.

Don’t doll yourself up. Hug-seeking hussies find themselves treated as brusquely as beery brutes. Plus, they’ll have a lot more to worry about in the sub-stadium holding cell.

Leave ‘em wanting more. A spirited, twisty sprint around the field will earn you an ovation from the same Philly fans who couldn’t bring themselves to cheer for Mike Schmidt.

Practice your moves in advance. Jailbreak! Check out the way miscreant #2 dekes the security dude at the 40-second mark. It’s reminiscent of Reggie Bush in his USC days, minus the stacks of illegally procured $50 bills fluttering from his pockets.

Think outside the box. You can make an event of yourself without getting mauled by pissy rejected mall cops, as this clever Brewers fan proves. He’s in and he’s out before anybody—except the taper—is the wiser.

Know when you’re done. Even as an onlooker chimes in with “what the hell? What are these, Detroit fans?,” this Cleveland denizen performs a passable slide into second base. He then awaits his fate stoically, like a death-row inmate falsely convicted. We should all have such pride.

Play to the crowd. Feel free to wave the team colors over your head tornado-style as you make your break. Worry not about the haters who critique your hard work ever so insensitively (“the problem is somebody like that can’t afford to get himself out of jail”).