Your fantasy baseball team sucks. It blows and it bites. In doing so, it reflects poorly on you, your judgment and your upbringing. You have shamed your mother. I hope you’re happy now.

It’s OK. You’re not alone, mostly because the same players who torpedoed the first half of your season have taken down any number of other faketastic teams. Will they make up for it with a big second half? I’m skeptical. So here’s your list of Roto Ruiners – I’ve confined my analysis (cough! wheeze!) to players taken in the top 50 of my mixed-league draft – and my best guesses as to their ultimate 2009 fate.

Jimmy Rollins, Philadelphia Phillies: Last year, he slugged, ran and stole; he was everything one could ask for in a fantasy player, if not a spouse. This year, he slumped so badly that manager Charlie Manuel gave him a weekend-long mental break, during which he wasn’t permitted to peruse online images of baseball bats, much less grip one. It’s been bad, dude.

Second-half prognosis: All better. Grab him before his overall numbers stop looking so bone-ugly.

Dustin Pedroia, Boston Red Sox: David Ortiz got all the publicity, for better or worse, in the wake of his aging/injury/belly-related first-half slump. Pedroia, though, has equally confounded his owners with a reverse power surge (a brownout?). The power he displayed in 2008, which made him the second second baseman off the board behind Chase Utley in 2009, might’ve been a fluke.

Second-half prognosis: The runt’s runt is still getting on base at a lofty clip, so his run and stolen-base totals should still be decent enough. A great buy-low candidate.

Grady Sizemore, Cleveland Indians: Grady Sizemore makes fantasy-baseball fiend and sportswriter alike pant with unbridled lust. He plays a premium defensive position, has power and speed in abundance, and would sooner cop to an unsolved murder than admit that he’s less than 100 percent physically. This year, however, a bum shoulder has robbed him of his offensive mojo, with both his HR (33 in 2008, 13 so far in 2009) and stolen-base (38/9) totals way down.

Second-half prognosis: The Indians are already in white-flag mode. There’s no point in pushing Sizemore to stay in the lineup, though they’ll probably have to pry him out of it with a crowbar. Stay far away.

Matt Holliday, Oakland A’s: Heading into 2009, the former Rockie boasted a career .938 OPS. When you factor in how he added speed to his game—28 steals in 30 tries last season—Holliday set many an extremity a-tingle during roto drafts, and was off the board before most owners had swigged their first mangotini. Then… well, he stopped hitting.

Second-half prognosis: A wild card. If he gets traded to a contender and plopped in the middle of a better lineup and/or a more hitter-friendly ballpark, Holliday could prove incredibly useful down the stretch. If he stays in Oakland, he’ll enjoy the occasional offensive spasm but not much more. I’m a believer.

Brandon Webb, Arizona Diamondbacks: A ground-baller with solid defense behind him and plenty of young bashers in the batting order (Justin Upton + Stephen Drew = DREAMY PIE) Webb looked like as sure a bet for double-digit wins and as a solid strikeout/walk ratio as any starter in the game. Then his shoulder went poof!, and that was the end of that.

Second-half prognosis: He might pitch a few September innings. This won’t do anyone who drafted him in the top 20 a whole lot of good. Sorry.

Jose Reyes, New York Mets: It’s impossible to figure out exactly what’s wrong with Reyes, as he was initially listed as day-to-day with a leg ouchie. Somehow that diagnosis spiraled into “we expect him back somewhere between tomorrow and next March.” The Met team physicians – publicly ridiculed by dingbat skipper Jerry Manuel – must make Reyes owners long for the good ol’ days of leeches and therapeutic bleedings.

Second-half prognosis: It wouldn’t surprise us to see Reyes in the lineup on Friday; it wouldn’t surprise us to see him in the lineup on September 15. You have to wonder if his speed, the quality that makes him a perennial top-ten pick in fantasy baseball, will be all the way back when he returns.


Vladimir Guerrero, Los Angeles Angels: Given how his run-production numbers have slipped over the last few seasons, Guerrero gets picked high on name recognition alone. Also, everybody loves referring to him as Vlad. It’s much more fun to draft a “Vlad” than a “Derek” or an “Aramis”—though to be fair, “Aramis” sounds like a foofy celeb/vanity perfume. Anyway, Vlad’s been hurt and he’s been single-happy when healthy. That ain’t the guy we used to know.

Second-half prognosis: Guerrero is back on the disabled list, his residence for much of the season’s first half. Given how his Angel teammates are getting on base in front of him at a far better rate than usual, he’ll still drive in his share of runs. Forget about the stolen bases, though.

Francisco Liriano, Minnesota Twins: Seriously: he was picked 46th overall in my mixed-league draft, apparently by somebody who stopped paying attention to baseball in July 2007. I play with dumb people; you probably do as well. Anybody who had Liriano—he of the 5.49 ERA and four wins in 19 starts—ranked as one of the 30 best starters in baseball deserves every bit of shaming you can heap upon him.

Second-half prognosis: He ain’t throwing strikes (49 walks in 108 innings through Tuesday). It is generally considered difficult to succeed as a pitcher without throwing strikes. Any number of guys marinating your league’s waiver pool—Clay Buchholz?—will prove a smarter addition.