Name Droppings

Would you like to try this hole now, Mr. Bryant?

It's no secret that basketball players check into hotels with phony names in order to avoid the usual road trip distractions like fans, groupies, and wives. From Shaquille O'Neal assuming the identity of "Donovan Perot" (because he's "fast like Donovan McNabb, and rich like Ross Perot") to Terry Porter using the low-profile "Tiger Woods," players have had fun with this practice for years. But these days, with the Internet, cell phones, and Jim Gray, personal information is available more than ever. So I figured I'd offer some more creative suggestions to keep the league's biggest stars out of the public eye. And divorce court.

Player: Dirk Nowitzki
Popularity level: He's as celebrated in Dallas as blonde-haired, blue-eyed males are in Germany
Alias: Adolph Jeremy
Rationale: Because he loves his beer like Adolph Coors Jr., and he can stick the deep ball like Ron Jeremy

Player: Kobe Bryant
Popularity level: A lot like me, he gets booed in pretty much every city he visits
Alias: Karl Mexico
Rationale: Because he loves Vanessa Bryant like Karl Malone, and makes new friends on the road like Ron Mexico

Player: LeBron James
Popularity level: Bigger than the Beatles…if they added Jesus, Michael Jordan, and Axl Rose
Alias: Darko Milicic
Rationale: Let's be honest, no one's looking for Darko anymore

Player: Kevin Garnett
Popularity level: As high as his playoff winning percentage is low
Alias: Ted Hilton
Rationale: Because he's bald like Ted Danson, and is more comfortable around the rim than Paris Hilton

Player: Eddy Curry
Popularity level: Baby Shaq is still trying to live up to the hype he generated coming out of high school
Alias: Rick Cheney
Rationale: Because he's got the body type of Rick Mahorn, and the internal organ strength of Dick Cheney

Player: Steve Nash
Popularity level: As far as Canadian exports, he ranks right ahead of syrup and right behind the Barenaked Ladies
Alias: Wayne Brady
Rationale: Because he's Canadian like Wayne Gretzky, and white like Wayne Brady

Player: Allen Iverson
Popularity level: He's the reason your red-headed, 12-year-old nephew from North Dakota has corn rows
Alias: Maurice Clarett
Rationale: Because he's fast like Maurice Clarett, and he's been arrested like Maurice Clarett

Player: Speedy Claxton
Popularity level: This regularly name-dropped journeyman put Hofstra on the map. (It promptly came back off when they realized it was in Long Island.)
Alias: N/A
Rationale: If it ain't broke, don't fix it

Player: Tracy McGrady
Popularity level: Despite missing a chunk of games due to back spasms and child births, he's still sixth in the league in All-Star voting
Alias: Kyle Cassell
Rationale: Because he can effortlessly drop threes like Kyle Korver, and his out-of-this-world game could only have come from another planet, like Sam Cassell

Player: Darko Milicic
Popularity level: Is negative zero a number?
Alias: LeBron James
Rationale: The poor guy just wants a little attention

Player: Dwyane Wade
Popularity level: Soaring like Shaq's…body fat percentage
Alias: Chuck Gonzalez
Rationale: Because he wears Converse like Chuck Taylor, and he draws attention to Florida like Elian Gonzalez

Player: Tim Duncan
Popularity level: Two regular season MVPs, three NBA Finals' MVPs, and four times the personality of a 24-second violation
Alias: Bill Vader
Rationale: Because he goes to the bank like Bill Gates, and he's got an infectious smile like Darth Vader

Player: Ron Artest
Popularity level: Depends on whether or not he's criminally assaulted you before
Alias: Mike Tyson
Rationale: Kind of explains itself, really…

Got your own road trip alias suggestions? Send them in through the comments field. (Just rest assured, if they're better than mine, I'm not going to run them.)