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No More Shining Moments

wu-bs.jpgEvery year, the final buzzer sounds, there’s an awkward head coach interview, and then we’re assaulted with highlights of the tourney set to the “tune” of the song “One Shining Moment.” No doubt this is a tradition, but traditions, like promises to your children, are made to be broken. Here are our suggestions for songs that would be more suitable as a backdrop to the classic highlight montage that closes out March Madness every year.


Song: “The End,” The Doors

Lyric: “This is the end. My only friend, the end.”

Note: To a select few, the end of the college basketball season means leaping into the glamorous world of the NBA. For the other 98 percent of players, it means a life of begging for assistant coaching jobs, UPS jobs, or, even worse, DHL jobs. Say good-bye to the lush life of free sneakers and warm-up sweats, kiddies!


Song: “ABC,” Jackson Five

Lyric: “A, B, C. Easy as 1, 2, 3.”

Note: These “students” just took a month off from the classroom; we’re pretty sure they’re going to need a quick refresher on the basics of spelling and mathematics.


Song: “C.R.E.A.M.,” Wu-Tang Clan

Lyric: “Cash. Rules. Everything. Around. Me. C.R.E.A.M. Get the money, dollar dollar bill y’all.”

Note: March Madness isn’t about kids playing the game they love, it’s about the bottom line. We bet the NCAA and these power-hungry universities are too busy counting cash to even tell you who’s in the championship game. Speaking of betting, we hear there’s a couple dollars being thrown around on the outcome of these games, too. Shhh…don’t tell anyone.


Song: “One Bourbon, Once Scotch, One Beer,” George Thorogood

Lyric: Um, do we really need to tell you?

Note: The tournament kicks off with back-to-back, 12-hour quadruple headers, causing most Americans to call in sick and find out exactly what makes “drink specials” so special. The tournament ends in prime time on a Monday night at a time of year when we haven’t been treated to a Monday Night Football game in over two months. It’s safe to say the average hoops fan treats March college basketball like German’s treat October. And like the Irish treat breakfast.


Song: “We Are the Champions”

Lyric: “We are the champions.”

Note: Seriously, we sports fans just don’t get to hear this one enough at the end of a major championship.


Song: “Hurt,” Nine Inch Nails

Lyric: “Everyone I know, goes away in the end.”

Note: For true college basketball fans, the end of the tournament signifies a long, harsh summer without their favorite sport. To make matters worse, the NBA playoffs are right around the corner. Ouch.