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| "I'm losing to Denny Hamlin!" |
Gentlemen, start your panicking! With seven races down and only 19 to go until the Chase for the Cup begins, it's clearly time for widespread fear to set in among drivers outside the top 10. It's not like a driver can just make a comeback from as far as 21st¿hell, that hasn't happened in nearly a full year. Yet with the cutoff closing fast, some members of the media are pushing for mass hysteria. Here's how some of the top drivers might consider overreacting:
Kurt Busch (17th place)
Wreck ex-teammates, take cheap shots at former employers, get plastic surgery. You know, the usual.
Ryan Newman (18th place)
Repeat after me: "Wins are overrated. Real men win poles. Wins are overrated. Real men win poles¿"
Reed Sorenson (19th place)
Act like anyone else old enough to be a college sophomore and log onto Facebook to vent angst anonymously.
Jamie McMurray (21st place)
Hide in the bathroom, shave head, and donate frosted tips to Lance Bass.
Carl Edwards (22nd place)
Ditch "low-fat diet, six hours in the gym, and early to bed" routine for Tony Stewart's "pack of Hot Pockets, case of Bud, and bathtub full of Funyuns" plan.
Greg Biffle (23rd place)
Beg girlfriend to start fighting and driving for him.
Jeremy Mayfield (35th place)
Have SAFER walls installed around his psyche in order to cope with the long tumble back toward mediocrity.