 |
| Poker up front, Kobe's in the rear. |
You know what time it is, I know what time it is, and Michael Olowokandi might know what time it is, so let's just get down to business.
EAST
Detroit (1) vs. Milwaukee (hopeless)
PISTONS
Strengths: Most cohesive starting unit in the league, deep playoff experience, no Larry Brown soap opera.
Weaknesses: Here's hoping it was K.G. all those years in Minny and not Flip Saunders.
Wild card: The starting five need to keep avoiding the trainer's room¿and not just because of all of the athlete's foot floating around in there.
BUCKS
Strengths: Michael Redd's explosiveness, frontcourt depth, great cheese.
Weaknesses: Defense, defense, Andrew Bogut in tights.
Wild card: Can Redd average 30-plus per game to carry the load offensively? (I'll answer that for you: No chance in hell against this team.)
Pick: 4¿1, Detroit¿in a nonsweep upset.
Miami (2) vs. Chicago (7)
HEAT
Strengths: Shaq, D-Wade, South Beach.
Weaknesses: No cohesiveness, shaky D, fragile roster.
Wild card: An efficient Jason Williams¿without him, they're offense looks worse than Sam Cassell without a hat on. (More on that later.)
BULLS
Strengths: Defense, toughness, nothing to lose.
Weaknesses: No size, no star power, no Michael Jordan.
Wild card: Maybe their D will help them stay close and steal a couple of games in the end.
Pick: 4¿2, Miami¿unfortunately, last time I checked, a couple of games isn't enough to win a series. (And I just checked this morning.)
New Jersey (3) vs. Indiana (6)
NETS
Strengths: Jason Kidd, Richard Jefferson, Vince Carter.
Weaknesses: Nenad Krstic is a decent offensive player, but I'd rather watch the sun set over the Jersey skyline than watch those two try to play defense in the paint.
Wild card: J-Kidd's low-key triple-doubles can control an entire series. Averages of 10, 12, and 11 for Jason mixed with the defense that led them through the 14-game win streak could mean trouble for Indy¿and the rest of the East.
PACERS
Strengths: Coaching, size, a chip on their shoulder the size of Sam Cassell's forehead. (Don't worry, still more to come on that later.)
Weaknesses: An offense that misses Reggie Miller almost as much as I miss making fun of his ears.
Wild card: If they can slow it down, get Jermaine O'Neal rolling, and find a significant contribution from rook Danny Granger, this is anybody's series.
Pick: 4¿2, New Jersey¿in most circles, "anybody's" is loosely translated into "the Nets'"
Cleveland (4) vs. Washington (5)
CAVS
Strengths: The most popular King outside of the fast food business.
Weaknesses: Defense, still no true point, LeBron's first ankle sprain.
Wild card: Larry Hughes needs to step up and prove that he can play alongside James, not just watch his highlights like the rest of us.
WIZARDS
Strengths: Gilbert Arenas, Eddie Jordan's offense, Capitol Hill.
Weaknesses: Nonexistent defense, no longer called the Bullets, Etan Thomas' poetry
Wild card: Caron Butler misses five games, they lose five games. Caron Butler comes back, they start winning. See a pattern here? (If you do, please send it to the comments—I can't quite wrap my head around this one.)
Pick: 4¿3, Washington¿the first round's best series will go to the team that already knows what it takes to get to the second round, while LeBron will be sent home to hang out with the three other LeBrons for the offseason.
WEST
San Antonio (1) vs. Sacramento (8)
SPURS
Strengths: They put the "fun" in fundamentally sound¿then they take it right back out after they get the lead.
Weaknesses: Big Fun's foot, Manu Ginobili's legs, Tony Parker's rap career.
Wild card: Trust me, there's nothing wild about this bunch.
KINGS
Strengths: Mike Bibby, newfound defensive intensity, Ron Artest.
Weaknesses: Rick Adelman, same old inconsistency, Ron Artest.
Wild card: Sure, no one knows what we'll get from Ron-Ron, but Mike Bibby needs to play like he did in 2001 to offset Tony Pizzle.
Pick: 4¿1, San Antonio¿the Kings' frontcourt will put up a fight¿a fight they'll lose.
Phoenix (2) vs. Los Angeles (Lakers) (7)
SUNS
Strengths: Um¿can you say "offense"? (If so, I bet you can score a job on SportsCenter.)
Weaknesses: They may not care about defense, but everyone else who's ever won a championship sure seems to think it's pretty important.
Wild card: Boris Diaw needs to do everything in his power to keep up this ridiculous run¿and avoid the runs. (I hear it's not easy to play basketball with an upset stomach.)
LAKERS
Strengths: Kobe Bryant, Kobe Bryant's ego, Kobe Bryant's ego's ego.
Weaknesses: See above.
Wild card: With all of the offensive freedom, Lamar Odom needs to flirt regularly with a triple-double to help the Lake Show keep up on the scoreboard.
Pick: 4¿1, Phoenix¿and it's going to be a shootout, so expect a lot of offensive fireworks from the Suns as a team (and Kobe's egos as a team).
Denver (3) vs. Los Angeles (Clippers) (6)
NUGGETS
Strengths: Clutch-Melo, two straight years of experience, the adorable Earl Boykins.
Weaknesses: No perimeter shooting, no healthy bigs, too much pastel blue.
Wild card: A healthy K-Mart is a productive K-Mart. A resting K-Mart is no better than a trip to Sears.
CLIPPERS
Strengths: Elton Brand's guaranteed double-doubles and Sam Cassell's confidence. (That might just about wrap up the Cassell material¿)
Weaknesses: Questionable defense, Chris Kaman's hair, Sam Cassell's age and forehead. (Nope, there it was.)
Wild card: It's the Clippers.
Pick: 4¿2, Los Angeles¿since neither team harps on defense, I see no reason why the Clipp Show's inside-out attack can't enjoy the franchise's first playoff series victory since Dr. J(ames Naismith).
Dallas (4) vs. Memphis (5)
MAVS
Strengths: Dirk, depth, not a real four seed.
Weaknesses: Who's the second scorer? I'm only asking because Avery Johnson wants to know.
Wild card: Josh Howard is their utilityman¿here's hoping he keeps fixing the plumbing. (Because it looks like Dirk needs a shower, stat.)
GRIZZLIES
Strengths: Pau Gasol, team play, the Czar of the Telestrator.
Weaknesses: The team concept keeps Pau from taking over when he needs to. Like, you know, in the playoffs.
Wild card: The Grizz need to translate regular-season success into postseason success. Maybe they should try an English-to-Spanish dictionary¿
Pick: 4¿2, Dallas¿the Grizz are deep, the Mavs are deeper. And the ass-groove in my chair after typing this monstrosity of a first-round preview is deepest.