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Powerless Five

By: 
Mike
THE POWERLESS FIVE
Taking a page from the college football teams in the SEC, Michael Waltrip apparently decided this week that if you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’. Unfortunately for Waltrip, he seems to have stolen a page from Vanderbilt’s playbook instead of from a much more successful bunch of cheaters like Alabama or Tennessee.

Name Rank LW

Reed Sorenson 5 —
To Reed’s credit, he’s been making steady progress the last four weeks. Unfortunately building from a 43rd-place finish to 35th in Martinsville is sort of like going from living under the grate in a slaughterhouse to live in a unairconditioned apartment above a pet store in San Antonio during an August heat wave. Sure, it’s progress—but you still would rather be dead.

J.J. Yeley 4 1
The good news is Yeley managed not to wreck any AARP members this week. The bad news? Well, he’s still drives like my grandmother.

Jeff Burton 3 —
Hey, I use duct tape to hold my car together too. The only difference? My car is a 1999 Chevy S10 with 100,000 miles not a premium race car with the potential to hit 200 MPH. So my duct tape seems to work a little bit better (plus, chicks dig the duct tape.)

Greg Biffle 2 4
Greg Biffle must think he is trapped in a nightmare this season. He just keeps praying he will wake up soon. Of course, things won’t get much better when he wakes up next to crazy Nicole and their giant slobbering dogs.

Michael Waltrip 1 2
There’s no shame in cheating, Mikey. Just ask Jimmie Johnson. But we at the Powerless Five think you’ve missed the whole point of cheating: When you cheat you should finish better than 34th. Then again, when you are Michael Waltrip, the chance for a 34th-place finish is a good reason for cheating.