 |
| NASCAR considers the guy whose brother won Dancing With the Stars a "celebrity." |
In its never-ending quest to make stock car racing so dull that viewers miss nothing before, during, or after commercial breaks, NASCAR implemented softer bumpers for last weekend's race at Talladega. The France family says it's supposed to "make things safer" and "not kill drivers," but we all know it's a nefarious plot to appeal to future tennants of the The Surreal Life house. NASCAR's plan to become a competitive knitting league by 2014 all started back in 1988¿
- 1988: Introduced restrictor plates to remove competitive disadvantage of cars that don't go very fast.
- 2005: Launched NASCAR Nation to give NASCAR drivers the same exposure, and credibility, as Paris Hilton.
Racing Ruminations Any hack columnist can predict the top five Aaron's 499 finishers. I predict the top five and the guy who will finish 17th! LAST WEEK
Top five: 1/5
17th: 0–1SEASON
Top five: 17/40
17th: 0–81. Jeff Gordon 2. Matt Kenseth 3. Dale Earnhardt Jr. 4. Tony Stewart 5. Ryan Newman 17. Jamie McMurray - 2006: Remove bumpers to stop bump drafting, in turn preventing drivers from winning races via any other way beside pit and fuel strategies.
- 2007: Prohibit Darrell Waltrip from making ignorant or sexist remarks. On the plus side, you'll never hear him speak again.
- 2008: Switch to unleaded fuel (apparently, noxious fumes that cause brain damage will draw criticism in the future).
- 2009: Modify points system to de-emphasize wins, poles, and finishing position.
- 2010: Close Bristol, Talladega, Darlington, and Martinsville, awarding more races to California so that more imaginary fans can choose shopping under the stands over actually watching the race.
- 2011: Institute cavity searches of all fans to ensure possession of only Nextel phones at track.
- 2012: Ban all alcoholic beverages at tracks other than Michelob Ultra, Franzia, and Apple Pucker.
- 2013: Sign a deal with the Lifetime Network to televise the Daytona 500.
- 2014: Five words: Officially licensed NASCAR romance novels. Whoops, too late!