PUSS CAR

NASCAR considers the guy whose brother won Dancing With the Stars a "celebrity."

In its never-ending quest to make stock car racing so dull that viewers miss nothing before, during, or after commercial breaks, NASCAR has implemented softer bumpers for this week's race in Talladega. The France family says it's supposed to "make things safer" and "not kill drivers," but we all know it's a nefarious plot to appeal to future residents of the The Surreal Life house. NASCAR's plan to become a competitive knitting league by 2014 all started back in 1988¿

• 1988: Introduce restrictor plates to remove competitive disadvantage of cars that don't go very fast.
  
• 2005: Launch NASCAR Nation to give NASCAR drivers the same exposure, and credibility, as Paris Hilton.

  Racing Ruminations

  Any hack columnist can predict the top five Aaron's 499 finishers. I predict the top five and the guy who will finish 17th!

  LAST WEEK Top five: 1/5 17th: 0–1

  SEASON Top five: 17/40 17th: 0–8

  1. Jeff Gordon

  2. Matt Kenseth

  3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.

  4. Tony Stewart

  5. Ryan Newman

  17. Jamie McMurray

• 2006: Remove bumpers to stop bump drafting, in turn preventing drivers from winning races in any other way than pit and fuel strategies.
  
• 2007: Ban Darrell Waltrip from making ignorant or sexist remarks. On the plus side, you never have to hear him speak again.
  
• 2008: Switch to unleaded fuel (apparently, noxious fumes that cause brain damage will be frowned upon in the future).
  
• 2009: Modify points system to de-emphasize wins, poles, and finishing position. In turn, extra points will be awarded if your last name includes at least five of these letters: G, O, R, D, N, E, A, H, T. (Offer not valid to those with first names Robby or Kerry.)
  
• 2010: Close Bristol, Talladega, Darlington, and Martinsville in order to give more races to California so that more imaginary fans can choose shopping under the stands to actually watching the race.
  
• 2010: Modify the Chase to reset points every time Gordon or Earnhardt aren't in the top five. For the last two races of the season, reset points every time Gordon and Earnhardt aren't in the top three.
  
• 2011: Institute cavity searches for all fans to ensure that only Nextel phones are brought to track.
  
• 2012: Ban all alcoholic beverages at tracks other than Michelob Ultra, Franzia, and Apple Pucker.
  
• 2013: Sign a deal with the Lifetime Network to televise the Daytona 500.
  
• 2014: Dig the "Alabama Gang" up from the grave and let them beat Mike Helton and Brian France to death with officially licensed NASCAR romance novels.