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Report: Michael Phelps Totally Smokes Weed

phelps_516_0102_25518a.jpg Bros everywhere erupted in a high-fiving uproar upon hearing the news that Michael Phelps "like, totally smokes mad trees," while Olympic officials scratched their heads in disbelief. According to one Sigma Dorky Phi witness, the swimming phenom strutted into a weekend keg party and immediatly walked up to a four-foot glass cylinder, and was all, "let's totally do this, dudes," before high fiving a friend, grabbing the bong (nicknamed, according to one source who preferred to remain stoned, Chewbacca) and attacking the blue cloud of smoke simmering inside with the freakishly huge pair of lungs that have made him an Olympic champion. Putting a Dead bootleg on the stereo (live from Coventry, 1982), pulling out the slide from its chamber and hoovering up the billowing, mind-altering substance within, Phelps reportedly held the illegal smoke inside his massive frame for a whopping three-and-a-half minutes before exhaling and coolly whispering, "that was fucking killer, bros."

Phelps' latest antics come on the heels of some very atypical behavior for an Olympic champion and role model to millions. Since striking Gold in Beijing last August, the Baltimore-born amphibian has been busted prank calling his neighbors, toilet papering houses, playing ding-dong-ditch and the “choking game,” petitioning friends' older brothers to score him beer, and even attempting to get to second base with girls. While this highly irregular behavior is disturbing to sponsors and fans alike, especially being that it's coming from a boy who spent his last 23 years constrained to a lap pool, one U.S. Olympic official remained optimistic, stating, "we're hoping he bangs out marriage, a coke habit, rehab, a midlife crisis, and a divorce in the next week so we can get him back into a Speedo and entertaining crowds at Sea World ASAP."